Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 6th Edition
It’s time once again to take a peek at what brings unsuspecting Internet Searchers to my blog. The Divine Ms. L addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers even if she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, because that’s never stopped her before. Just to clear thing up, I am The Divine Ms. L. (“L” meaning “Lorna”). For reasons
know only to…unknown, when I adopt the Divine Ms. L. persona, I shift up from first to third gear…person. It’s confusing. But so are some of these search terms that get directed to my blog.
All you really need to know is that there are too many, for lack of a better term, people cruising the Internet searching for answers to some, for lack of a better term, harebrained (no disrespect to hares) questions. Many of these “people” end up on “Lorna’s Voice” because their search engine directed them here. I must have a very authoritative-sounding blog. Because I’m always willing to
do anything for a laugh…help as many people as I can, I try to answer as many questions as I can. Or The Divine Ms. L tries. She puts on her special-powers-hat and waits until words of wisdom waft upon her. Then she types whatever they heck she feels like.
DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to problems until you figure them out; but you’re better off taking advice from a sleep-deprived, dizzy blonde. Oh, wait. That’s me. We’re good, then. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.
Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L …,
“What are things you never hear?” How should I know? I never hear them. Maybe you should ask my mom. She was always able to hear things that “never happened.”
“Can you drag your money to the grave with you?” Yes and no. Well, yes. If you decide to have an average funeral, plan to spend about $8,000 (according to the National Funeral Directors Association, who has every reason to low-ball that estimate so as not to scare you into the much cheaper alternatives of cremation or donating your body to sleep-deprived medical students to hack you to bits after they’ve watched too many episodes of “Dexter” when they should’ve been studying or sleeping). If you want a few limos for the grieving family and some celebs for pallbearers, plan on taking out a second mortgage. So you can take your money with you into the ground by spending it all on your Last Hurrah.
“What’s my age again?” Is this a trick question? I can never remember my age, so how am I supposed to know your age. After a certain age, I think we should stop measuring age in years and start measuring it in the caliber of critters we attract. I don’t know about you, but canines, men who have had too much alcohol, women who quilt, and retired men at the Wellness Center can’t seem to resist me. That’s how old I am.
“Why are girls not in the mood as much?” There are so many variables in this question. “Girls” are females who haven’t reached puberty, so if they’re not as moody, it probably has something to do with having less homework and more ice cream. Let’s assume you’re referring to women. “In the mood” is vague. Are women around you are not “in the mood” for political ads, road construction, or doing the laundry? Oh, you’re probably referring to “s-e-x,” right? Now I’m catching on. “As much” needs clarification:” as much” as sex-starved nymphos in porn flicks? or “as much” as when you used to be younger, more attentive, and better looking? If you’re not getting “lucky,” look in the mirror, Buddy. Females don’t have an “in the mood” malfunction. They have options.