You should see some of the questions I get. They shock the pants and other critical garments right off me!

It’s time once again to take a peek at what brings unsuspecting Internet Searchers to my blog. The Divine Ms. L addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers even if she doesn’t know the answers. These depraved…curious miscreants…folks are simply looking for something inexplicable bizarre…perfectly strange and their trusty search engine pointed them in my direction. Most unfortunate sad…interesting for them…me and you is that they clicked on “Lorna’s Voice” among all possible reliable web sites to find their answers. There are a lot of people out there who must think I’m brilliant…who are poor judges of Internet resources. But, since they asked and came to me for their answers, I feel compelled to give them something in return.

If you missed the other installments of this series, click here  here and here and here.  This may seem like a lot of clicking, but it’s nothing compared to going to a dog training class.

Enough with the clicker, already. I get it. I'm supposed to turn into a zombie and do as you say. I'm pretty much there.

DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to problems until you figure them out; but you’re better off taking advice from a sleep-deprived, dizzy blonde. Oh, wait. That’s me. We’re good, then. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L …,

“When is Lorna on Dr. Phil?” Short answer: when rigor mortis sets in. More detailed answer: Hate is a strong word. I hate to use it, so let’s just say that I despise Dr. Phil and his brushtash. He’s a paternalistic bigmaniac. If he truly cared about helping people, he’d be tough-loving in private, not on TV. You will not find me on this man. Not ever. I no longer jump on men who want to fix me, especially in public. I have my standards (in fact, I just recently found them and I’m not about to go down on to Dr. Phil for any unresolved  psychopath…psychological issues.

Don't argue with me, Lorna. Now get on over here to get some of Dr. Phil's special kind of tough loving.

“Can you burn candles around cockatoo birds?” Sure you can, especially after they die from either catching on fire when they fly into a lighted candle (they are rather energetic and curious) or when they keel over from the toxic fumes from the scented candle. There is one exception. If you have a stuffed animal cockatoo and keep it far enough away from open flames, you can burn as many candles as you like.

If you want to keep Fluffly McFlapperson in pristine condition, don't put the little guy in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by lit candles. Every Wicca and Yankee Candle enthusiast knows this.

“Where is sexy smart and Lorna?” Look no further! You found her. Finally, an Internet search that led a person to the exact right site.

“Who said a beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste?” Who hasn’t said it at one time or another? Oh, you mean who said it first… Malcom X said it first and it was used as a campaign slogan for the United Negro College Fund back in the 1970s. Do you remember the 1970s? If you do, you probably weren’t there, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I was there, but I was in a rural town which is always 20 years behind the pop culture, so I was effectively in the 1950s and remember, golly, everything.

“Why is John Travolta all she wants?” John is a great dancer and a fine actor, but I can say with relative certainty that he isn’t all that any woman wants. In addition to a man who can sashay around a dance floor like he owns it, has lots of money, and seems to be a nice guy, women want lots of other things, but I can’t think of what those might be right now. I’m distracted by imagining John in Saturday Night Fever.

Um. Hmm. What were we talking about?

“What to do? I tried everything and still no birds.” Wow. I’m really sorry for your situation. Have you tried in vitro fertilization or maybe an incubator. If you’re human, I’m guessing that maybe you should be trying for something a little closer to your own species. If you’re a bird, I’m really impressed with your typing skills and suggest that you consider a career in show business or data entry. This may require postponing your family, but it might be worth it, given your talent. It’s something to consider.

And I bet you make fewer typos than I do...

“What do I do if she is blonde and I have brains?” Keep your mouth shut and appreciate her. She may surprise you.

Don't underestimate me because I'm blonde and beautiful. If you really had brains, you wouldn't have asked such a dumb question.

“What 3 things you hear every day?” 

  1. The sound of my deep cleansing breaths (a.k.a sighs)
  2. “Scrappy, oh, you made a nice poop for Mommy!” Or, alternately, “Scrappy, why can’t you make a nice poop for Mommy?”
  3. The whooshing of a toilet flushing. I love sound of rushing water and that’s the closest I’m going to get to it. Since I drink prodigious amounts of tea, I get to hear the toilet flushing a lot. It’s very calming.

I close my eyes and envision this when I flush the toilet. It's really nice living in my world. Any of you are welcome to join me...

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I'll be up to another bag of tricks soon.