Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 5th Edition

You should see some of the questions I get. They shock the pants and other critical garments right off me!

It’s time once again to take a peek at what brings unsuspecting Internet Searchers to my blog. The Divine Ms. L addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers even if she doesn’t know the answers. These depraved…curious miscreants…folks are simply looking for something inexplicable bizarre…perfectly strange and their trusty search engine pointed them in my direction. Most unfortunate sad…interesting for them…me and you is that they clicked on “Lorna’s Voice” among all possible reliable web sites to find their answers. There are a lot of people out there who must think I’m brilliant…who are poor judges of Internet resources. But, since they asked and came to me for their answers, I feel compelled to give them something in return.

If you missed the other installments of this series, click here  here and here and here.  This may seem like a lot of clicking, but it’s nothing compared to going to a dog training class.

Enough with the clicker, already. I get it. I'm supposed to turn into a zombie and do as you say. I'm pretty much there.

DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to problems until you figure them out; but you’re better off taking advice from a sleep-deprived, dizzy blonde. Oh, wait. That’s me. We’re good, then. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L …,

“When is Lorna on Dr. Phil?” Short answer: when rigor mortis sets in. More detailed answer: Hate is a strong word. I hate to use it, so let’s just say that I despise Dr. Phil and his brushtash. He’s a paternalistic bigmaniac. If he truly cared about helping people, he’d be tough-loving in private, not on TV. You will not find me on this man. Not ever. I no longer jump on men who want to fix me, especially in public. I have my standards (in fact, I just recently found them and I’m not about to go down on to Dr. Phil for any unresolved  psychopath…psychological issues.

Don't argue with me, Lorna. Now get on over here to get some of Dr. Phil's special kind of tough loving.

“Can you burn candles around cockatoo birds?” Sure you can, especially after they die from either catching on fire when they fly into a lighted candle (they are rather energetic and curious) or when they keel over from the toxic fumes from the scented candle. There is one exception. If you have a stuffed animal cockatoo and keep it far enough away from open flames, you can burn as many candles as you like.

If you want to keep Fluffly McFlapperson in pristine condition, don't put the little guy in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by lit candles. Every Wicca and Yankee Candle enthusiast knows this.

“Where is sexy smart and Lorna?” Look no further! You found her. Finally, an Internet search that led a person to the exact right site.

“Who said a beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste?” Who hasn’t said it at one time or another? Oh, you mean who said it first… Malcom X said it first and it was used as a campaign slogan for the United Negro College Fund back in the 1970s. Do you remember the 1970s? If you do, you probably weren’t there, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I was there, but I was in a rural town which is always 20 years behind the pop culture, so I was effectively in the 1950s and remember, golly, everything.

“Why is John Travolta all she wants?” John is a great dancer and a fine actor, but I can say with relative certainty that he isn’t all that any woman wants. In addition to a man who can sashay around a dance floor like he owns it, has lots of money, and seems to be a nice guy, women want lots of other things, but I can’t think of what those might be right now. I’m distracted by imagining John in Saturday Night Fever.

Um. Hmm. What were we talking about?

“What to do? I tried everything and still no birds.” Wow. I’m really sorry for your situation. Have you tried in vitro fertilization or maybe an incubator. If you’re human, I’m guessing that maybe you should be trying for something a little closer to your own species. If you’re a bird, I’m really impressed with your typing skills and suggest that you consider a career in show business or data entry. This may require postponing your family, but it might be worth it, given your talent. It’s something to consider.

And I bet you make fewer typos than I do...

“What do I do if she is blonde and I have brains?” Keep your mouth shut and appreciate her. She may surprise you.

Don't underestimate me because I'm blonde and beautiful. If you really had brains, you wouldn't have asked such a dumb question.

“What 3 things you hear every day?” 

  1. The sound of my deep cleansing breaths (a.k.a sighs)
  2. “Scrappy, oh, you made a nice poop for Mommy!” Or, alternately, “Scrappy, why can’t you make a nice poop for Mommy?”
  3. The whooshing of a toilet flushing. I love sound of rushing water and that’s the closest I’m going to get to it. Since I drink prodigious amounts of tea, I get to hear the toilet flushing a lot. It’s very calming.

I close my eyes and envision this when I flush the toilet. It's really nice living in my world. Any of you are welcome to join me...

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I'll be up to another bag of tricks soon.

~ by Lorna's Voice on March 5, 2012.

50 Responses to “Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 5th Edition”

  1. […] you missed the other installments of this series, click here, here  here and here , here,and here.  With all this clicking, you’ll sound like you forgot to secure your dentures before you […]

  2. […] you missed the other installments of this series, click here  here and here , here,and here.  With all this clicking, you’ll sound like a professional tap dancer. Always wear sensible […]

  3. Hey, a nice smile every time you hear a toilet flush–that’s not bad! 🙂

  4. Lorna,

    Your delightful answers make me chuckle on a day that’s had it’s frustrations. And I love the photo of the river and your image of the rushing water. Now you know what I’ll be thinking about whenever I hear that sound.

  5. Yeah. I’ll work on it…

  6. Glad you agree! (About Dr. Phil, that is…)

  7. Tell me about it… 🙂

  8. HAHAHAHHAHA the blonde question. That is so wrong.. hahahahhah hilarious!


  9. Supa-dupa Divine Ms! Yep – that fella’s a veritable bloodhound finding you on www – “Where is sexy smart and Lorna?” I agree re Dr Phil, soooo silly, never met the man, get cold shivers, aversion fingers feathering m’spine when I even look at the guy, eurgh!! BIG EURGH!! cheers catchul8r molly

  10. LMAO Sure, that sounds funny, Lorna! 🙂 Look forward to it!

  11. You won’t regret it, Al. I can promise you that!

  12. Trying to make this monthly. I might do something along the lines of a “Craig’s List” because I have lots of search terms that are just items that people are trying to find that are a hoot and a half. What shall I call it? “Misguided’s List?”

  13. I’ll say!

  14. Loved the parakeet on the key board post. Weird people out there. TTFN.

  15. Loving the Divine Miss L, anytime, anywhere, xo

  16. I still feel the price is a little steep but the Scrappy offer tipped the scale. I’ll call for an appt.

  17. I give quantity discounts to my really messed up friends: $295 for 2 hours plus you can pet Scrappy for as long as he let you. Are you in?

  18. Ah, a pure soul. Keep it that way. My hope for the future is a bit brighter. Thank you ever so much! And thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂

  19. I was a teen in the seventies. Unfortunately, I remember everything.

    Also, I’ve never seen an episode of “Dr. Phil,” and never hope to.

  20. These are all priceless pieces of sage advice. Why are you giving them away when you could be charging $150/hr?

  21. And I always thought it was “A beautiful mind is a terrible thing to lose.” 😉

  22. I always thought the quote was, “A wasted mind is a terrible thing to have.” 😉

  23. I’m not nearly as naughty in person, Phil. But you can dream…

  24. Great! When someone has chuckled from something I’ve written, it’s a good day for me, too!

  25. On the days when I don’t post, most of my hits (and there aren’t that many) come from these goof-ball searches.

  26. Glad you enjoyed the post. These are fun to do.

  27. Yes, his head his as big as his ego. Maybe that’s what’s in there…

  28. That seems odd. Not the friendship part, but that it over-runs your screen… There’s no rhyme nor reason to these things, so I stopped trying to figure them out and just started to have fun with them.

  29. So happy you stopped in and enjoyed yourself. I still fell new to blogging (started in June of last year). You’ll get the hang of it in no time! 🙂

  30. See, you don’t have to spend a lot of money or travel very far to enjoy yourself. All you need is a wacky imagination, lots of tea and a loo with good water pressure.

  31. Oh, some of the search terms I get are not fit to be shown on my G-rated blog. Trust me, I bet there are a lot of disappointed perverts out there wondering how their search of “sexy dog woman” landed them on my blog.

  32. Well, then. My work here is done!

  33. Elyse, where were you when I was writing this post. I like your version of this answer much better! Perhaps we should do a dual column?

  34. It’s important to keep hydrated and you get the added benefit of all those soothing rushing water sounds… 🙂

  35. I’m glad not everyone in the world is caught up in Dr. Phil’s psycho-babble!

  36. Yeah, I know.

  37. “Can you burn candles around cockatoo birds?”

    That’s weird and a little worrying.

  38. These are always so entertaining, Lorna. I agree with you about Dr. Phil…his track record for helping people is not so great.

    Phil’s response reminded me of Gilda Radner’s SNL character Emily Litella who always got her editorial issues wrong and would finish off by saying…nevermind! Very funny.

  39. Thank you very much. I snorted water through my nose when reading about the cockatoo question. Candles and cockatoos -sheesh. I need to learn from you regarding water (or tea) drinking. I am usually on the edge of dehydration.

  40. Lorna, Lorna, Lorna.

    I think that you were thinking of Dan Quayle when he addressed the United Negro College Fund, whose slogan is “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” and said, “You take the UNCF model that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

    I just want to show that Republicans have always been as stupid as they are now.

    Quote stolen from Wiikipedia

  41. I will never listen to the woosh of a toilet the same way again….. 🙂

  42. Wow, yours seem so much more PG than mine. I feel like most of the people who come to me by search engine are pretty disappointed and/or confused by gapingwhole.

  43. Lorna, I am flushing it to you: Going to the loo will never be the same again. From now on I shall have visions of grandeur: Ursula Falls. Eat your heart out Niagara.


  44. Good Afternoon..all ready!

    Thanks for the late night read on your blog…kept me up till 2am…Great stuff. I’m still new at WordPress so I will keep an open eye on all you pros…Like Phil and others at that Valentine dinner party or was it wine only and carrots if you need to..So as I find my niche to add a word or least I know you…now..kinda.

  45. Some of the repeat searches are baffling. There’s one I receive that is so long it runs to the other side of the screen, right over the other text??? Go figure. But it comes up regularly. It’s something about friendship.

  46. I have to agree with you about Dr. Phil. Have you ever noticed how big his head is? What do you suppose is in there?

  47. Great way to start Monday!

  48. Hee hee you’re a crackup Lorna. Your stats must be insane from all the searches. Lucky you.

  49. Needed a laugh today…thanks.

  50. Lorna,

    Thanks for my morning laugh! I love your responses, but you really can’t blame these errant searches with a blog titled Lorna’s Vice.

    (puts glasses back on)

    oh… Oh… OH!!!

    It’s Lorna’s Voice! not Vice!

    Well then, never mind.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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