The Girls Are Not in the Mood

You're just dying to know what this is all about, aren't you?

I can’t think of any secret I haven’t broadcast on this blog. (Well. Oh yeah… Hmm. Ooh la la… Forget it. I’m taking that one to the grave. Sorry.) Back to my open-book nature…that’s because I’m an idiot a trusting soul. But I have to share this rather embarrassing discovery, more as a public service announcement than anything I want to serve as a lasting memorial after I die or get a real job.

Against my better judgement, which is pathetic on a good day, I decided to try a different form of exercise last weekend. Swimming. My Phil (as opposed to Our Phil, who may swim, but I think he mostly jogs while drinking a nice Shiraz) swims regularly and raves about the physical and stress-relieving benefits of 45 minutes in the pool doing laps. After trying Zumba and experiencing a panic attack (no kidding; story to follow soon) and getting a little too enthusiastic on the elliptical machine (to the point of nearly falling off when Electric Light Orchestra’s “Don’t Bring Me Down” came onto my Shuffle), I was thinking that something safer some other options in my cardio-exercise routine might be worth exploring.

Hint: leave the iPod at home when this is your exercise routine,

Thinking gets me into trouble. Or maybe not thinking things through gets me into trouble. Anywho, I forgot a few fundamental Natural Laws of Lorna:

  1. Looking at water is safe; being in water is asking for trouble because of my swimming disability.
  2. Physical coordination is conceptual not actual.
  3. Bodies in flailing motion tend to sink or fall over.
  4. Prevention matters, but doesn’t work.

Why did I go “swimming?”

  1. To see my Phil in action.
  2. To see how my bathing suit looked on me.
  3. To see if I could get a gentle cardio-workout without having a nervous breakdown.

Okay, so maybe I overestimated my noodle-to-sinkage ratio

What was my experience like in the pool?

  1. I learned to appreciate the technically sophisticated  flotation assistance of the “noodle.”
  2. I learned that most five-year-olds have better mastery of the “noodle” than I have.
  3. I prefer my water filtered not heavily chlorinated, especially when I’m going to drink that much of it.
  4. I learned not to close my eyes when doing the back float. The edge of the pool is significantly harder than the top of my head.
  5. Since I was in the “Old Ladies Who Stand Around and Wave Their Arms and Legs” section of the pool, it didn’t matter that my laps were more like zig-zags. Noodles have a mind of their own.
  6. I looked much better in my bathing suit than any one of those old ladies.

Look at the disgust on their faces. You'd think at least they'd show a little compassion for me after I whacked my head on the side of the pool. But no; they were jealous of my Sexy Speedo shape as I sunk.

Après “Swim” Discovery: I wore regulation water shoes while strutting my stuff walking to and from the pool (which took a major edge off my hotness factor). I stood on a towel while getting dressed. None of this mattered. After showering for real at home and applying lotion, I noticed something on the bottom of my right foot that was heinoushorrifyingrevolting….curious. A growth.

I should have known. It's this kind of thing that grows in the water.

My once pure, virginal sole, was assaulted with this, this, this (yes, I used 3 this-es) thing. It was a projectile of skin that wasn’t there the last time I slathered lotion on my tootsies. I did what any self-respecting woman my age would do: I picked at it until it came off. All that was left was the root. But I knew something was afoot with my right foot; she had been deflowered by a, a, a, (yes, I used 3 a’s) plantar wart.

Ignore the socks-flotsam and focus people. This is my once virginal righteous sole. If you think I'm exaggerating, be careful. You may be guilty of Wartism if I get my way.

I’ve never had a wart in my life, certainly not on my foot. I just joined the ranks of between 1.5 and 3.1 million wart-victims in America alone. Oh, the shame and burden I feel along with my fellow Wartsters and the potential Wartism that is just another form of subtle discrimination I don’t need to deal with at this stage in my life. We Wartsters have to suffer the knowledge that we carry the Human papillomavirus, which (in its various forms) can make your V-Jay-Jay, Weinerschnizel, and/or tongue fall off –probably not on the same person, only in extreme cases, and I’m paraphrasing just a little from Wikipedia), but our plight costs a lot of money to treat with sketchy but impressively packaged expensive OTC “remedies,” duct tape and/or major excavation surgery. Aren’t you impressed with the research I’ve done? Wartism isn’t a recognized social problem yet, but I’m going to write to the New York Civil Liberties Union. I bet between 7 to 10% of them have plantar warts and will take my request to have a new protected class of people (Wartsters) recognized.

I’m going to try cryogenics to freeze this alien invader wart out of existence. My foot may no longer be pure and virginal, but she’ll be frigid. That’ll let any lurking virus know to stay away from my feet–the girls are not in the mood for hanky panky.

If the prophylactic booties don't convince you I'm serious, take a good look at my face. I've still got a virginal left foot and she's staying that way.

~ by Lorna's Voice on February 18, 2012.

37 Responses to “The Girls Are Not in the Mood”

  1. Thanks. I have so much fun writing these posts! 🙂

  2. Very funny! After years of going to the gym and trying all types of classes, I’m trying to do You Tube videos. Trying different things…I’m not a great swimmer and usually found too many people difficult to cope with…

  3. Thanks! 🙂

  4. Hilarious, Lorna! I love the number of noodles to body ratio picture. I also liked the way you said that Phil jogs with shiraz in his hand. How does he not spill? Very coordinated of him, my dear! Fun stuff!

  5. Thanks so much. All that I write is meant to provoke laughter at myself. And maybe, if I’m lucky, get people not to take themselves so seriously, either. We live in a world where, in my humble opinion, there are way too many people who feel quite important and infallible. That’s just silly. We’re all just error-prone humans (which is redundant!). 😉 Thanks for stopping in a commenting–much appreciated!

  6. Delightful read. I know that doesn’t sound very empathetic.

  7. Aw. Thanks. You love me, warts (or not) and all… 🙂

  8. Hummm..after reading the comments from other people, maybe this alien being is not a planters wart. Oh well, I’m having funny freezing it what ever it is. I still hold to my opinion that you are the best looking, and in shape, woman in the pool.

  9. I just completed Victoria’s book. On my “To Do” List today: write a review on All other suggestions are great. Will keep them in mind!

  10. You didn’t read the rules when you wen into the pool area.
    Rule # 1 : sit on a lounge chair with sunglasses and big hat.
    Rule # 2 : order an ice cold glass of ice tea with lots of lemons.
    Rule # 3 : remove from your tote your book “Winter is Past by Victoria C. Slotto.
    Just keep walking with Scrappy.
    Izzy ~~~ : – )

  11. Thanks so much. I try to take what life hands me and find some humor in it. I’m glad you found humor in it, too. 🙂

  12. Good to know! 🙂

  13. I still love ya, Lorna, warts and all.

  14. Your unique creativity is unrivalled! Great piece! Quite entertaining. Really wondering whether to be sober because of the right foot that encountered whatever that viral thing was or to be excited because of the humor that saturated the entire post. Help! Beautiful work on youe blog!

  15. Yes, I’ve heard about that. If it doesn’t work, I find mashed potatoes to be very comforting…

  16. Yes, I can swim without noodles–they weigh you down if you eat too many before going in the pool. Just kidding. The only stroke I can do with any success is the side stroke, but that will do.

    I may have to check into the full spectrum light thingy…

  17. Not another surgery! Brain surgery,now this. I don’t think so!

  18. You are just a fountain of wonderful knowledge and great tips. I love the treadmill idea, although if I have any more typos in my posts, people are going to wonder if I’ve started drinking again! 🙂

  19. Yep. You’re famous in the circles around here. I mean if Ursula challenged me to a duel over you, don’t you think I better be clear on which Phil I’m hanging around with?

  20. Hope your feet are virginal. Someone’s should be!

  21. Hmm. Good information, Amy. Now I’m wondering…

  22. You try to get healthy and this is what you get for it! 😉

  23. I am not a wart virgin…I had them as a kid…ugly suckers…but never had them on the bottom of my foot. I know that warts are caused by a virus…I wonder if you picked something up from the gym. So many germs in those places… And I’ll bet you did look a lot cuter in your bathing suit…. 🙂 Atta girl!

  24. I went through weeks of nitrogen treatments to freeze my little friend off the ball of my foot. Never left me! About 20 years later (I’ve been shaving it down) my physio informed me it’s not a plantar’s wart after all. It’s a plain ol’ silly callous. I now wear orthotics. (That better be a word, ’cause that is what I paid 300 dollars for!)

  25. LOL yes I like what I see here and reading about your shenanigans is more fun than, well, getting into the shenanigans myself, lol. Oh that secret thing, agree, don’t think there’s one left I haven’t shared, lol. Okay maybe one. Checking the bottoms of both feet right now, lol. Thanks for the giggles 🙂

  26. First of all, the visual I have of you flailing away in the water has me chortling. And your description of freezing the wart… LOL!!! OK, that was funny. Thanks for making me smile, Lorna. 🙂

    Oh! I just noticed you linked to me. I didn’t realize I was a famous Phil…

  27. It’s true. I can solve all of your problems.

    Unless you are a good swimmer, laps are stupid. All that flailing around burns no calories AND makes you go out for ice cream afterwards to get over the trauma. I have found the perfect exercise: I put a board across the arms of a treadmill, put my laptop on top of that board, turn the treadmill on and walk on it while commenting on other people’s blogs. And while it does lead to many more typos than usual, I get exercise and catch up with my blogs. It is really wosxdregful.

    And I don’t think that’s a plantar wart. I think it is a corn. Dr. Scholl’s has wonderful, effective products for both. Both of which I’ve used successfully. Dr. Scholl is one of my favorite doctors. And I know LOTS of doctors :).

  28. Plantar warts are NOT fun. Poor baby. Since they tunnel inwards, you may need to consider major surgery. :0)

  29. Apologies Lorna, there are gnomes in the system again – my 1st comment whizzed off into virtual postbox before I could finish.
    I’ve got this Bioptron full-spectrum light that slays warts and a few other nasties – can you swim now – without noodles?
    cheers catchul8r molly

  30. I was tossed into ocean waves at 4 yrs and told ‘Swim! – Go on

  31. Gosh, I’m so so very sorry Lorna. I’ll look forward to hearing more about your swimming experience, but let us know how things progress with the wart too. I had one on my foot as a kid. You’ve heard about the potato remedy? It might sound hokey, but it worked for me!

  32. I love it: I make misery entertaining! That’s quite a compliment, I think! 🙂

  33. Ick! I had them when I was a kid. I thought they were going to have to burn my foot off before I got rid of them all.
    Have you tried water aerobics? It’s more fun that swimming laps. Don’t make us wait too long to hear about your panic attack. You make misery entertaining!

  34. Didn’t stop me from swimming yesterday, though. I’m more of a risk-taker than I thought I was! 😉

  35. Happy to bring a smile to your world! 🙂

  36. LOL! Lorna, I’ve been sick the last couple of days; but even so, this post and your pool escapades had me in stitches! Thanks so much for cheering me up, I needed that! Hehehe. ~ Julie 😀

  37. Ewwwwwwwwwwww! The perils of exercise. It’s why I’m against it 😉

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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