If I Expose More Of Myself, The Vice Squad Will Become Involved

A girl could get in a lot of trouble for revealing too much. And it looks like I'm in a lot of trouble.

As promised from my prior post, When Does “No” Mean “Thanks?”, about blog awards, I need to fulfill two obligations:

  1. reveal captivating and heretofore undisclosed facts about me
  2. link you up to 7 of my favorite posts for when you can’t sleep or are bored at work/home

Both of these obligations present me with inconceivableabsurdly impossible…somewhat daunting problemschallenges…issues. Let’s take one at a time, which is the only way I can do anything since multi-tasking is an inconceivableabsurdly impossible… a somewhat daunting problemchallenge…issue for me.

Reveal captivating and heretofore undisclosed facts about me

Lorna’s Voice has blabbed about my entire life story; so, if you’ve read my posts, you know more about me than the CIA, FBI, KJB and my mother (who thankfully doesn’t own a computer) combined. When I make my long-windedinexhaustible…profound comments on your blog posts, I often reveal even more of myself and my life. What more is there left about me that you:

  1. don’t already know?
  2. would find in the least bit enchanting?

I’ve pondered this for weeksdays…last night when I should have slept. Here’s what I came up with.

  1. Last night I slept a little. I dreamed that I was walking in fancy red shoes with impossibly high heels and a short skirt. My feet were killing me. Just as I was stepping down some stairs trying not sprain anything, I noticed John Lennon standing at the bottom of the stairs admiring my legs. I was glad I had the sexy shoes on. My feet stopped hurting and I wondered where Paul was. I figured he would appreciate my legs, too. Then I woke up thinking this would be a good captivating thing to reveal about myself.

    Maybe I'm glad Paul wasn't there to see me...

  2. I always wanted to, but never could, raise just one eyebrow in that seductive “Oh really?” look. All I can ever do is raise both eyebrows in that guilty “Huh?” look.

    That's what I'm talking about, not...

    ...that. To be fair, she only has one brow to raise.

  3. Before I went on my anti-inflammatory diet to help boost my immune system, I wore a size 14-16 everything; now I wear a size 4-6 everything. I take up less space, but my immune system is still wacky.

    I fell down shortly after this picture was taken. Exhaustion from balancing myself...

  4. I have big, wide feet, making the wearing of sexy shoes impossibleimprobablepainful…dangerous. On the down-side, my shoe-budget is rather low; on the upside, I am well-grounded to the earth.

    All you need to do is try this once and you'll see the wisdom of sensible shoes.

  5. Forget DNA tests, you can tell my sisters and I are related by our laugh. We have identical laughs. The rhythm, cadence, and coughing-up-of-phlegm after a laugh-attack is all the same.
  6. My Mom taught me well: waste not, want not. I’m frugal to a fault when it comes to toothpaste, toilet paper, electricity, gas (home heating and jet…car fuel), food, you name it. The “5 second rule” applies for me if I can get to the food before Scrappy does.
  7. I can speak English in a variety of accents so convincingly that people think I’m from either a foreign country or another part of the U.S. My best accents are: UK (the Queen’s English and Cockney), French, Italian, Irish, General Eastern European, Australian, Jewish Mother, Brooklyn Bimbo, and South Carolinian. People tell me that when I speak “normally” I don’t have any accent–like Walter Cronkite didn’t have an accent. You couldn’t tell where he was from, just where he wasn’t from.

    "And that's the way it is...from everywhere U.S.A."

  8. I am mildlymoderatelywildly obsessed with both Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. Yeah, I know, me and how many millions of others? I find them both misunderstood and troubled beautiful women who had more to offer than the world wanted from them.
  9. I always liked Madonna–even when she was unpopular. Oh, is she still unpopular? I don’t pay attention.

    What's not to love: sexy, blonde, awesome pom-poms?

  10. Being grateful for the kindness and recognition of my peers (via awards) while asking them not be so kind and shower me with so much recognition is VERY hard for a Highly Sensitive Middle Child Attention Junkie. But I’m going to give it one more try: Please resist the temptation to honor me with any more awards (unless you happen to be giving out the Pulitzer Prize or the Nobel Prize or the Miss Congeniality Consolation Prize). Please? Pretty Please?

    You don't often see a cat beg. I hope this leaves an impression on you.

Link you up to 7 of my favorite posts for when you can’t sleep or are bored at work/home

WordPress tells me that over the past 9 months, I’ve written 222 posts. And I’m supposed to pick 7? Gee, I wish I hadn’t drunk so much of the blog-Kool-Aid…been so prolific. Which 7 posts sum up Lorna’s Voice, making my blog the versatile, lovely, inspirational, kreativ, awesome blog that you think it is? I suggest you read all of my posts, but here’s a start:

  1. To Be Honest With You is one of my first posts and my only one to get Freshly Pressed. It brought about 3,500 views to my brand new blog.
  2. If You Can’t Understand Them, Make Something Up is my attempt at making fun of Net Speak.
  3. You Didn’t Tip Her, Did You? is a true story about a very bad experience with an independent”hair technician.”
  4. Dirty Little Secret Revealed is the beginning of a three-part series in which I shared real college student bloopers I collected over my years of grading sociology papers and essay exams.
  5. It All Began With the Dogs, Part 1 is where I begin telling my life story in chronological order. If you want to read about how my life unfolded, begin with this post and move through the calendar.
  6. Imagine the Disappointment is the first in many installments where I lampoon the zany Internet Search Terms that lead people to my blog (Now, it’s the “Dear Divine Ms. L.” series).
  7. Child of the Moon is something different. It showcases my fabric art and my serious attempt at writing poetry.

Have fun with these if you haven’t read them!

The resemblance is remarkable, don't you think? Oh, stop your laughing. I can dream.


Thanks to everyone who supports my blog and encourages my shenanigans. I am truly grateful.

Now, Scotty, increase the Award Deflector Shields to Maximum Power. 

She's gunna blow, Cap'tin. We'll have to risk it, Scotty. We can't take on another award.

~ by Lorna's Voice on February 9, 2012.

39 Responses to “If I Expose More Of Myself, The Vice Squad Will Become Involved”

  1. Go ahead and copy and paste. What are friends for? 😉

  2. I was hysterical watching the clip with the model falling. It went so well with what you had written. I am totally in agreement with you. I have been overwhelmed with getting them because of the obligation.By the way, Thank you for the Rudolf Award if I forgot to say it. Anyway, I feel lots of guilt about not completeing them or sending the invitation or sumbissions that are required but my writing is lagging behind. My how odd to be in this dilemna. I might have to port your decline paragraph. ~~~~ : – )
    Carry on …
    Izzy

  3. Good! You need to! 🙂

  4. You’re going to make me blush…

  5. 😀 Girl you are one Hot Mamma! Just sayin’! 🙂 Way to work it.

  6. Up, that’s 54 year old me. 🙂

  7. It takes a while, but it’s fun. I’m glad you think it’s worth the extra effort.

  8. I love what you do with pictures in your posts 🙂 This is one of the best.

  9. Lorna,

    Is that you, in the sexy outfit with the NEW Haircut? Lookin good! Sorry so late to the show here.

    😀

  10. Thanks so much! I’m glad you found me, too. 🙂

  11. I love your blog! So glad I found it!

  12. Thanks. I will check out the link you provided. 🙂

  13. This was hilarious…

    If you ever get time to drop by my site, I think one entry you might appreciate would be: Hotel CanuukIwarnedya, Eh?
    http://sonsothunder.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/hotel-canuukiwarned-ya-for-the-hook/
    Bless You
    paul

  14. Thanks. I love doing the accents. I always wanted to be an actress…

  15. What do you mean? My Award Deflector Shields are set on Maximum Power. Nothing can permeate that!

    Thanks, Harry!

  16. If I go the next step (after writing ALL my memoir pieces) and upgrade my WordPress account to include video/audio. I’ll do a demo of me as my many alter egos. You’ll love the Brooklyn Bimbo (Felicia Lamore) and the French seductress (Brigitte). 😉

  17. Show me were to find it and I will wear it proudly, Al, my Pal. If I’m going to hoard awards, I want to be thorough!:)

  18. Wouldn’t that be fun? I would LOVE to hang out with my Peeps!

  19. My only explanation, Officer Friendly, is that Grammar Gremlins went in and messed up my post. I do know the diffidence. Could be that, or exhaustion from blogging to much, but I really do think it’s the Grammar Gremlins. Thanks for pointing it out. I’ll fix it and fix them all at the same time! 🙂

  20. Sometimes I don’t know where I come up with this stuff. I’m not all that zany in person. My computer must be a laugh riot!

  21. Thanks. Those boots weren’t made for walking, though!

  22. Aw, you’re sweet! Flattery like that will get you everywhere. 🙂

  23. I don’t know why she kept going. I guess that what some people must say about me!

  24. I sure will. I’m about a third of the way through.

  25. OMG…those awards are so time-consuming. Great responses. Thanks for the comment about my novel, Lorna. If you feel so inspired, would you do a review on Amazon.com or goodreads.com? Don’t feel obliged, though. :0)

  26. A very compassionate way of saying “no” to anymore awards, Lorna. It’ll be interesting to see how long it takes before someone wants to award you again… And your feet don’t look that big. 🙂

    (Watching that model walk was excruciating…just horrible!)

  27. Wow, it looks like you have a new hairstyle to go with the new, “looking good,” smaller you. To bad they don’t have an award this year for women who not only look good, but make you laugh until you pee yourself. Well, maybe next year.

  28. And you are a hot chickie! Loving that photo of you! xo

  29. Thanks so much for the much needed giggles 🙂

  30. Walter Cronkite’s accent is northern Ohio. Legend has it that early radio broadcasts were centered there because it’s half-way between New York and Chicago, making it central to the big population centers, so many early radio announcers had that accent and it became sorta “standard” American English.

    Officer Friendly here. We got a report of a your/you’re violation in a caption under Princesse Di. Do you know anything about that?

  31. You are SO MUCH FUN! I wish there was a way for blogging buddies to have a girl’s/guy’s night out.

  32. OK. Lorna, no more awards. But will you accept the Oak Cluster to attach to the Al’s Pal award you already have?

  33. Lorna, I’m with the majority. I think we need to hear some of those accents. Pretty impressive list. You could do a sound bite or two. Look at me sounding like a media producer.

  34. I enjoyed that Lorna very funny, i like your appeal about the awards, but i’m sure you will still get some 🙂

  35. Great list, had me in stitches. I’m very impressed by your list of accents!

  36. I try my best and I never know if I’m crossing a line or two. Glad to know you enjoyed it!

  37. I may have to upgrade my WordPress account to include video and audio… After my memoir stories I done, I have to do something to keep you all entertained! 🙂

  38. I’d love to hear those accents. Do we get an audio some point down Lorna’s Road?

  39. LOL, well done, Lorna, you had me in stitches reading this! ~ Julie 🙂

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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