Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 3rd Edition

Some of the questions I get shock the pants (and more) off me!

Welcome to the 3rd installment of this series based on the many insane bizarre ridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that lead creeps weirdos obsessive/compulsives your average children, teens, adults, or senior citizens to my blog.  The Divine Ms. L. addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers.

If you missed the other installments, click here and here. You never want to miss anything around here.

Some questions are fully formed. Other are implied. All indicate that some pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to your problems until you figure them out, but I’m on thin ice when it comes to providing advice. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

“Magic assistant disappeared.” Forgive my naiveté about the world of Illusionists, but isn’t that what magician’s assistants are supposed to do? If you mean that she (and I assume your assistant was female) didn’t reappear when you opened the box or flared your cape, then you should file a missing persons report  to the proper authorities, not search the Internet to find her. You might also want to check to see if any cash is missing as well.  She may “just” be your assistant, but I bet she has a few tricks of her own. A woman gets tired of being crammed in small places, having knives thrown at her, and being sawed in half for entertainment. Trust me. I know.

That's the last time I fall for a job ad like that.

“I am 53 and would like to have a boyfriend.” Honey, this is Lorna’s Voice, not Lorna’s Choice of Available Men. Do I in any way send out a “Pimpette” vibe? Yes, I’m a smart, savvy, sexy, blonde, bombshell; but that doesn’t mean I have a stable of stallions I loan out to all you Lonely Hearts out there. There are plenty of sketchy reputable dating sites, but I can’t endorse any of them because I don’t get a piece of their action it would be wrong I’ve never used any of them so I don’t know what I’m taking about. I suggest you find a flattering picture of Jennifer Aniston yourself, write a succinct narrative about what an awesome 35 53-year-old you are and investigate some highly effective Wicca love rituals.

Totally believable because she doesn't wear her hair like that anymore. With the proper incantation, your "Perfect Match" won't notice the minor differences in appearance or age.

“Is my wife Lorna really hot?” Obviously this person is referring to a “Lorna” other than me. I am not anyone’s wife anymore and of course I’m really hot; anyone who knows me wouldn’t have to ask that question. Okay. Now that that’s settled, back to the searcher’s question… If you are asking the question on the Internet, I’m concerned more about your marriage than the relative wowza-factor of your wife. Who out there do you think will give you the answer you seek? Prior lovers? Do you really want their assessment of how hot they think your wife is? I suggest couples counseling…yesterday.

"Lorna" is an unusual name. If she's also a Scorpio, what the heck did you expect when you married her? Of course she's hot!

“Is there such a thing as a squirrel-proof bird-feeder?” Yes. An empty bird-feeder is a squirrel-proof bird-feeder once the squirrels have figured out that they’ve eaten all the bird seeds. The squirrel-proof bird-feeder, I should warn you, is also a bird-proof bird-feeder.

“Was I a bat in a former life?” If you have a craving for insects and/or having balls thrown at you, I’d have to say it’s a strong possibility.

“I feel like a screw is loose in my head.” Don’t we all at one time or another? Thank you for sharing.

“How do I pose for a naughty picture to send to my boyfriend?” I’m afraid that Search Engines are getting the wrong impression of my blog. But to answer your question, put a bright red garment of your choice in with his underwear and wash in hot water. His underwear will all be pink. Take a picture of your surrounded with his all-pink undergarments. He will think that was awfully naughty of you.

Well, you could try a more flattering shot...

“Are Buddhists allowed to fart?” I had to go back to the ancient scripts of the Buddha himself to seek an answer to this expelling compelling question. Much to my surprise, the Buddha mentions every human condition under the sun except for farting. I suppose he left some mysteries for us mere mortals to wrestle with ourselves. I’m no Buddhist scholar, but I believe that Buddhists, like all humans, are allowed to fart IF: they are aware they are farting, are present in the moment of the fart, do not cling to the fart, and hold no judgement about the fart or its aftermath. This elevates farting to an enlightened experience, thus brings the Buddhist closer to Nirvana (as anyone who’s been holding in a fart and finally releases it knows).

The look of a man who just cut a Buddhist fart.

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I'll be up to another bag of tricks soon.

~ by Lorna's Voice on January 3, 2012.

34 Responses to “Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 3rd Edition”

  1. […] you missed the other installments of this series, click here, here  here and here , here,and here.  With all this clicking, you’ll sound like you forgot to secure your dentures […]

  2. It’s good to laugh out loud anywhere!

  3. Very funny especially the question do Buddist fart. You are too witty, you made me laugh out loud at work.

  4. […] you missed the other installments of this series, click here  here and here , here,and here.  With all this clicking, you’ll sound like a professional tap dancer. Always wear […]

  5. […] you missed the other installments of this series, click here  here and here and here.  This may seem like a lot of clicking, but it’s nothing compared to going to a dog training […]

  6. […] you missed the other installments, click here and here and here.  You never want to miss an installment on this blog, or on your mortgage for that matter. (Just […]

  7. I knew what you meant. I think. No, I’m sure. 😉

  8. Scary thought. I’d prefer thinking that they stay locked up in their bedrooms, order pizza, and haven’t seen real daylight in years…

  9. I gather it it didn’t help much. My work here is done!

  10. Thanks. I can only treat ridiculous question with equally ridiculous answers (especially now that I’m not a college professor any more).

  11. By far my favorite of the series so far. Keep up the good work – I love your handling of these ridiculous queries! 😀

  12. Thanks for answering my question.

  13. Great post. very funny. Yes they walk among us…XO

  14. You know, people who type in profound questions and trust that the blogosphere will be some great, mystic oracle get what they deserve when they end up at weird-ass, lame sites. Except I didn’t mean your site. Because it’s so NOT weird-ass or lame. Just in general that’s what they would get. Somewhere else. Nevermind – I’ll stop now.

  15. Totsy, you are such a wise woman. 🙂

  16. That’s too funny!

  17. Be careful what you wish for. There are some looney tunes out there…

  18. Yes, I had a similar fart-related incident during the Stations of the Cross. My dreams of becoming a nun evaporated. 😉

  19. So much valuable information here. Buddhist farts? I am not a Catholic any more, but I can tell you that the Catholics of my childhood held extreme judgments about the fart and its aftermath during mass. I also recall one brave and talented boy who cut one in the confessional, causing the priest to step out his door and glare at the rest of us 8 yr old sinners. But the boy was forgiven after saying 10 Hail Mary’s, well worth it to him I am sure.

  20. I’ve loved these posts and after the first one went back and checked my search words. None are as intriguing as yours. I’ll have to start blogging with more interesting words like “snowman hairballs.” Fun post.

  21. Thanks, Lorna, but there are few things funnier than watching squirrels spin, actually. It is hilarious. And the cardinals love the feeder too. Crows don’t and that’s a good thing.

    My strangest Google ever was when I couldn’t remember the title or author of a children’s book my son had loved as a 10 year old when I wanted to give it to my great niece. So I googled “Children’s books with farting dwarves.” Bingo — The Artemis Fowle Series, by Eoin Colfer.

  22. Advice well taken. Maybe I’ll sit on a blanket instead.

  23. Yeah, so is mine!

  24. Actually, I have a bird-feeder that spins (without a motor) and squirrels can’t touch the seeds. Only the small birds have figured out that they can feed there, through. So the pair of cardinals are gone. If you’re interested in the motorless feeder, I can send you a link to their website. I just didn’t want to promote a commercial website on my blog. Email me @

  25. The Buddha would be proud! 🙂

  26. Yes, I hesitated to share this question and answer, but it was too darned funny and outlandish for me to ignore. Can you believe someone actually Googled that question?

  27. I would strongly advise against this course of action. Sitting on acorns is very uncomfortable and any movement while screwing nails (as opposed to hammering screws) can cause you to slip and cause a scar that would require a snake tattoo. As for the blonde wig…that may explain why you are trying to screw a nail, but it will make it more difficult to get nailed where you want it. If you’re not a real blonde, there’s no point in trying to fake it. Does that clear things up for you?

  28. Well, Al, it depends on why you need to give the rozzer the dropsey. If you have a good lawyer and you were just fooling around, then I’d say it is crackers. Otherwise, ditch the rozzer any way you can. Does that help you?

    What did you do as a young boy that would make you wonder about this all your life, that’s what I want to know! 😉

  29. I’m not going to mince words here, Lorna. This is the most enlightening installment you have written since I’ve been following you.

    I’m moved to ask you a question that has puzzled me since boyhood:

    Is it crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide?

  30. Best tell the Buddhist Farter he’d be highly enlightened if he ate a bowl of beans first. How in the heck did you get associated with bird feeders? And Buddhist farters, for that matter.

    Now, a question from one of Ms. L’s sponsors, “Do I sit on acorns in a blonde wig while I screw the nails in my head?”

  31. I am not sharing the information of farting with my 14 y.o. son. It will be used against me.

  32. I am going to be laughing and thinking about farting Buddhists for the rest of the day : )!

  33. Hilarious! But I beg to differ on the existence of a squirrel proof bird feeder. We had one that, when the squirrel steps on it, grabbed them and spun them around. It worked for a year until they figured out how to ride it out and wore out the motor. We have another one on order, though. Because it was worth it watching them spin. PETA please, no squirrels were harmed in the drafting of this comment.

  34. So many important questions… My mind is completely blown.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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