Dear Divine Ms. L. …, 3rd Edition
Welcome to the 3rd installment of this series based on the many
insane bizarre ridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that lead creeps weirdos obsessive/ compulsives your average children, teens, adults, or senior citizens to my blog. The Divine Ms. L. addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers.
Some questions are fully formed. Other are implied. All indicate that some
pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to your problems until you figure them out, but I’m on thin ice when it comes to providing advice. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.
Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,
“Magic assistant disappeared.” Forgive my naiveté about the world of Illusionists, but isn’t that what magician’s assistants are supposed to do? If you mean that she (and I assume your assistant was female) didn’t reappear when you opened the box or flared your cape, then you should file a missing persons report to the proper authorities, not search the Internet to find her. You might also want to check to see if any cash is missing as well. She may “just” be your assistant, but I bet she has a few tricks of her own. A woman gets tired of being crammed in small places, having knives thrown at her, and being sawed in half for entertainment. Trust me. I know.
“I am 53 and would like to have a boyfriend.” Honey, this is Lorna’s Voice, not Lorna’s Choice of Available Men. Do I in any way send out a “Pimpette” vibe? Yes, I’m a smart, savvy, sexy, blonde, bombshell; but that doesn’t mean I have a stable of stallions I loan out to all you Lonely Hearts out there. There are plenty of
sketchy reputable dating sites, but I can’t endorse any of them because I don’t get a piece of their action it would be wrong I’ve never used any of them so I don’t know what I’m taking about. I suggest you find a flattering picture of Jennifer Aniston yourself, write a succinct narrative about what an awesome 35 53-year-old you are and investigate some highly effective Wicca love rituals.
“Is my wife Lorna really hot?” Obviously this person is referring to a “Lorna” other than me. I am not anyone’s wife anymore and of course I’m really hot; anyone who knows me wouldn’t have to ask that question. Okay. Now that that’s settled, back to the searcher’s question… If you are asking the question on the Internet, I’m concerned more about your marriage than the relative wowza-factor of your wife. Who out there do you think will give you the answer you seek? Prior lovers? Do you really want their assessment of how hot they think your wife is? I suggest couples counseling…yesterday.
“Is there such a thing as a squirrel-proof bird-feeder?” Yes. An empty bird-feeder is a squirrel-proof bird-feeder once the squirrels have figured out that they’ve eaten all the bird seeds. The squirrel-proof bird-feeder, I should warn you, is also a bird-proof bird-feeder.
“Was I a bat in a former life?” If you have a craving for insects and/or having balls thrown at you, I’d have to say it’s a strong possibility.
“I feel like a screw is loose in my head.” Don’t we all at one time or another? Thank you for sharing.
“How do I pose for a naughty picture to send to my boyfriend?” I’m afraid that Search Engines are getting the wrong impression of my blog. But to answer your question, put a bright red garment of your choice in with his underwear and wash in hot water. His underwear will all be pink. Take a picture of your surrounded with his all-pink undergarments. He will think that was awfully naughty of you.
“Are Buddhists allowed to fart?” I had to go back to the ancient scripts of the Buddha himself to seek an answer to this
expelling compelling question. Much to my surprise, the Buddha mentions every human condition under the sun except for farting. I suppose he left some mysteries for us mere mortals to wrestle with ourselves. I’m no Buddhist scholar, but I believe that Buddhists, like all humans, are allowed to fart IF: they are aware they are farting, are present in the moment of the fart, do not cling to the fart, and hold no judgement about the fart or its aftermath. This elevates farting to an enlightened experience, thus brings the Buddhist closer to Nirvana (as anyone who’s been holding in a fart and finally releases it knows).