Some of the questions I get shock the pants (and more) off me!

Welcome to the 2nd installment of this series based on the many insane bizarre ridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that lead creeps weirdos obsessive-compulsives your average children, teens, adults, or senior citizens to my blog.  The Divine Ms. L. finally addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers.

If you missed the 1st installment, click here. You never want to miss the 1st installment of anything around here.

Before I turn my totally unqualified unprofessional outlandish uncommon sense to answering these questions, I need to make a brief announcement.

Golly, you don't have to take notes, but you certainly may.

Times are tough. You’ve spent your last cent and drop of booze energy on getting ready for the upcoming chaos festivities. Do yourself a favor. Stop thinking about your family who demands things of you without considering your feelings and stress levels. Shun your community and workplace that ask more and more of you without an iota of appreciation in return (a card or fruitcake doesn’t count).

Focus, instead, on your faithful, there-for-you-24-7 Blogging Community (and by “community,” I mean me). Do something that’s free, takes but a moment of your time, and will fill your heart with such joy that you won’t need a hidden jumbo flask full of [insert alcohol of choice] to make it through the holidays. 

“What do I do, Lorna?” I hear you asking. “Simple,” I say. Go to http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/the-quiet-ones-first-dark-globe-artist-awards-update/ and leave a comment to vote for your choice of Blogger, Writer, and Photographer of the Year. I just happen to be one the finalists for Blogger of the Year. 

There's no time like the present...

Back to the series…

Some questions are fully formed. Other are implied. All indicate that some pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. DISCLAIMER: I’m not qualified to answer any of these questions. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

“What happens in the end of Mission Impossible 4?” Do I seem like a spoiler or someone who watches violent action films? I’m neither. If I had to guess: Tom Cruise lives, his face remarkably flawless even though he’s been blown up and there’s just enough of the world left underemployed undestroyed for an even louder a more thrilling sequel, which I won’t watch.

This magic hoodie protects him from harm and insures his return for another sequel.

“Left my sneakers at wet t-shirt contest” And I suppose you are asking how to retrieve that which you lost. But my guess is your sneakers are the least of your worries in the “Gee, I wish I could get that back” department. How about your dignity and those digital photos circulating on Twitter and Facebook? I can assure the close-ups are not of your sneakers.

At a recent unauthorized event at the Governor's Mansion, Ms. Topsy Cheston misplaced her wet sneakers. Anyone in possession of her shoes is asked dry them off and call the Lieutenant Governor. Reporting for Action News, I'm Faye Dup.

“How to tip her that you love her?” Not all women are alike. Some like the direct approach: “I love you” will tip her off to your feelings. Some may enjoy the occasional shove off-balance if it comes with a declaration of love and a cushy landing. Make sure all coffee tables and bed-side furniture with hard edges are removed when the tipping begins (conjugal visits in the slammer may seem exciting in movies, but so does getting abducted by aliens). If you let her fall, make sure she lands on something soft, like rose-petal-covered pillows or a pile of your clean clothes on the floor. As for “tipping” meaning a monetary incentive… Very few women appreciate a wad of cash before, during or after “romance.” It’s not romantic and it’s never enough.

You jus-a make-a love to me an you wanna give-a me how much-a you stinkin' money? My lovin' it's-a priceless, you big-a goon!

“Are there psychopath test cliff notes?” Sure. And there’s a fast-track course in “How to Become a Psychopath.” You can get both on any of the infomercial channels. But wait! If you order within the next 10 minutes, you can get a set of Ginsu knives for free! Just dial 911, tell the nice person you’re a psychopath-in-training and wait for the nice people to escort you to a safe place.

“What is the difference between a genius and a beautiful mind?” Semantics. If you don’t understand my answer, you aren’t either, but you’re still a fine person.

“What do Marines and puppies have in common?” Um. Something really sweet and endearing or something I’d really rather not think about.

“Is Cindy Williams hot?” I imagine she’s already gone through menopause, but she may still have a few hot flashes. So, yes, I’d say she is sometimes hot. More so if her retirement home is in an insufferably hot and humid a southern climate.

Looks to me like she's trying to cool off. Ergo, she must be hot.

“Woman with snakes on her head what’s her name?” Let me guess. You’re doing a research paper on Greek Mythology but just weren’t listening in class. Am I right? And you went to my blog rather than a legitimate educational site? I hope “Woman With Snakes On Her Head” was the name of your term paper.

“My wife lets me grab my mother-in-law’s ass.” What is this? True confessions? I didn’t need to know this. Are you bragging or reaching out for help? You’re obviously reaching out for something, but your mother-in-law’s back-side probably shouldn’t be it. I’d suggest family therapy, but that may turn into a Caligula-like thing and I don’t want to be responsible for the further corruption of majors (as opposed to minors).

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I'll be up to another bag of tricks soon.