Hey Buddy, It’s Called “Buckshot” Not “Buttshot”

Oh, that Lorna is at it again! She found a funny news story and made it even funnier. What a gal!

Under the category “News You Probably Can’t Use, But Makes For Fun Party Banter,” on December 1, a Utah hunter was shot in the buttocks by his friend’s Yellow Labrador Retriever. You don’t have to take my word for it. Click here for the full poop, but the story as told by KTLA News is rather factual dry. My version is rife with exaggerations embellishments self-serving opinions blatant falsehoods entertainment.

This is the way the story is supposed to go according to the hunter. But the hunter isn't telling this story. He's recuperating nicely at home.

The duck-hunting duo were in a shallow marshy area of the Great Salt Lake collecting a duck that had died of fright, seeing wooden replicas of what it thought was its family. Duck decoys, in my unbiased opinion, don’t attract ducks, who are smart and sensitive creatures (inspite of their caustic and abundant excrement). Decoys just scare the poop out of them and they generally die of heart attacks while hunters are firing at them. Since I don’t hunt, I don’t expect hunters to agree with my theory. I’m okay with agreeing to disagree on this matter. But the fact remains that a dog shot one of you hunters in the butt. So get off your high horse about criticizing my logic.

See all the pandemonium decoys cause? Little ducky heart attacks are just waiting to happen...

The hunter who ended up with butt full of lead (we’ll call him “Mr. Pat Tootie”), laid his loaded and ready-to-fire shotgun on the edge of the boat, got out, and was wading toward the duck that died of natural causes. His friend’s Yellow Labrador Retriever (we’ll call him “Buddy” because everyone in the boat thought he was one) then jumped into the boat exuberantly, which is how Yellow Labs do everything. Why was he in the water? That’s a question only Buddy can answer and he’s not talking as per advice from his lawyers, McKibbles & O’Bitts. With equal enthusiasm, Buddy stepped onto Mr. Pat Tootie’s shotgun. discharging the weapon directly into Mr. Pat Tootie’s backside. Either Buddy was taking a “How to Be a Canine Sniper” class; or maybe Mr. Pat Tootie needed a lesson in duck-empathy.

Who knew Buddy spent his weekdays at Canine Sniper Training Camp?

Buddy’s owner (the victim’s hunting partner) declined to give a statement. Buddy graduated as Top Gun in his Canine Sniper Class.

As for Mr. Pat Tootie, the article states, “The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside. He was released a short time later.” Authorities deemed the incident a fluke (and JFK was really shot by a lone gunman…). Buddy wasn’t  charged with any crime; forensic lab tests cleared the lab of any willful wrong-doing. Anyone who owns a Yellow Lab knows that they are unlikely to do anything with malice of forethought…or any forethought, for that matter.

What? You said I needed a bath...

This reminds me of another hunting accident, only it involved a certain Vice President and someone’s face, not butt, getting in the way of a shotgun. That incident was deemed an accident and there were no criminal charges, either. What’s the lesson? Dogs and Vice Presidents shouldn’t be around loaded firearms? Seems logical to me.

I wonder if it's loaded?

~ by Lorna's Voice on December 9, 2011.

20 Responses to “Hey Buddy, It’s Called “Buckshot” Not “Buttshot””

  1. Yeah, and the lawyer apologized to him. I wonder if “Mr. Pat Tootie” apologized to “Buddy”… 😉

    In a related news story, another hunter was shot by a dog this past weekend. We may have to reconsider this “man’s best friend” thing.

  2. Dog shoots the man – that’s news. As for the Vice President, I didn’t much care for him, but after shooting a lawyer, well, he went up a few notches in my book… 🙂

  3. Good pun! 🙂

  4. Love your parting shot, Lorna!

  5. I’m sure that’s how “Buddy” got off scott-free–just one look with those big brown eyes…

  6. Glad you enjoyed this. Stay away from hunters (and dogs with weapons)!

  7. I, too, am amazed and appalled when I hear of these hunting accidents. But a dog shooting a hunter was just too outlandish for me to let slip by without comment. 🙂

  8. Makes you wonder, right? 😉

  9. Love your conclusion!

  10. Fun, Lorna! I’m always so surprised when I hear those reports of hunters shooting each other and thinking they were shooting at a “deer” or a “pheasant” or some such. How do you mistake a human being for a deer?! If I were a deer or a duck, I would wear one of those safety vests–no hunter would ever recognize you! (Well, this is my logic anyway). 🙂

  11. I like you style Lorna, hey
    and I like your posting too 🙂

    Have a great rest of day
    evening and weekend also…

    Androgoth XXx

  12. I’m not a hunter either, but I am a yellow lab owner so no problem believing this story. They will exasperate you beyond words, but then one look into those soulful eyes and you’re toast.

  13. I saw this story and just had to write a post on it. Truth is so much better than fiction! 🙂

  14. It is true, I swear! I couldn’t let it go without making some good natured fun of it, though! 🙂

  15. I think you’re right!

  16. I saw this news story and couldn’t let it pass me by. Glad you enjoyed my reporting of it! 😉

  17. Your take on life never ceases to improve mine! So glad we crossed paths and from one slow learner to one fast firing writer, thanks again for a rollicking read. Much love xo

  18. Buddy may not be too bright, but I think he’s smarter than his owner.

  19. This story is so farfetched that I know it has to be true. No author (not even one as talented and hilarious as you) could make this kind of stuff up. 🙂 Too funny…Mr. Pat Tootie. I snickered every time I read it!

  20. Your “reporting” of this incident is certainly more entertaining than the original. Maybe there is another career opportunity awaiting you. Send my regards to Buddy; poor lab being accused when the true criminal is Mr. Tootie. Even I know not to lean a gun against anything.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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