Hey Buddy, It’s Called “Buckshot” Not “Buttshot”
Under the category “News You Probably Can’t Use, But Makes For Fun Party Banter,” on December 1, a Utah hunter was shot in the buttocks by his friend’s Yellow Labrador Retriever. You don’t have to take my word for it. Click here for the full poop, but the story as told by KTLA News is rather
factual dry. My version is rife with exaggerations embellishments self-serving opinions blatant falsehoods entertainment.
The duck-hunting duo were in a shallow marshy area of the Great Salt Lake collecting a duck that had died of fright, seeing wooden replicas of what it thought was its family. Duck decoys, in my unbiased opinion, don’t attract ducks, who are smart and sensitive creatures (inspite of their caustic and abundant excrement). Decoys just scare the poop out of them and they generally die of heart attacks while hunters are firing at them. Since I don’t hunt, I don’t expect hunters to agree with my theory. I’m okay with agreeing to disagree on this matter. But the fact remains that a dog shot one of you hunters in the butt. So get off your high horse about criticizing my logic.
The hunter who ended up with butt full of lead (we’ll call him “Mr. Pat Tootie”), laid his loaded and ready-to-fire shotgun on the edge of the boat, got out, and was wading toward the duck that died of natural causes. His friend’s Yellow Labrador Retriever (we’ll call him “Buddy” because everyone in the boat thought he was one) then jumped into the boat exuberantly, which is how Yellow Labs do everything. Why was he in the water? That’s a question only Buddy can answer and he’s not talking as per advice from his lawyers, McKibbles & O’Bitts. With equal enthusiasm, Buddy stepped onto Mr. Pat Tootie’s shotgun. discharging the weapon directly into Mr. Pat Tootie’s backside. Either Buddy was taking a “How to Be a Canine Sniper” class; or maybe Mr. Pat Tootie needed a lesson in duck-empathy.
Buddy’s owner (the victim’s hunting partner) declined to give a statement. Buddy graduated as Top Gun in his Canine Sniper Class.
As for Mr. Pat Tootie, the article states, “The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside. He was released a short time later.” Authorities deemed the incident a fluke (and JFK was really shot by a lone gunman…). Buddy wasn’t charged with any crime; forensic lab tests cleared the lab of any willful wrong-doing. Anyone who owns a Yellow Lab knows that they are unlikely to do anything with malice of forethought…or any forethought, for that matter.
This reminds me of another hunting accident, only it involved a certain Vice President and someone’s face, not butt, getting in the way of a shotgun. That incident was deemed an accident and there were no criminal charges, either. What’s the lesson? Dogs and Vice Presidents shouldn’t be around loaded firearms? Seems logical to me.