Some of the questions I get shock the pants (and more) off me!

I’m proud to introduce a new series on Lorna’s Voice based on the many insane bizarre ridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that lead creeps weirdos obsessive-compulsives average children, teens, adults, or senior citizens to my blog.  The Divine Ms. L. (that’s me) will address questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers.

Those familiar with my blog know I’ve lampooned Internet Search Terms on a couple of occasions: Imagine the Disappointment, Desperado, Don’t Blame Me If You Wandered Into My Pasture. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but the person(s) looking for a “confused old woman” and “sexy woman walking dog” are still at large. Their searches are relentless. If you fit into either of these two categories (or both), I suggest enhanced security or, if you’re amenable to company, breath mints. On my new “Watch List” is “woman with buzz cut.” In this case, might I suggest a hat for your protection? I hope we’re talking about hair cuts…

Vhat! Pooples are lookink foor oldt cuckoo frauleins? Mien, too!

Back to this new series… I’ve noticed a proliferation of fully or partly formulated questions in my Internet Search Term list. When these questions were typed into a search engine, some pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. Not being one to disappoint, I’ve decided to take my best shot at answering them. DISCLAIMER: I am not qualified to answer any of these questions, so I’m in good company with most advice columnists.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

“What does the expression ‘to be honest with you’ mean?” I can’t lie to you. It means different things to different people in different situations. It may or may not apply in any or all situations. Either it is the most globally meaningful set of words ever put together or it isn’t. Frankly, that’s the most honest answer I can give.

This should clear up any lingering questions from my answer, should anyone be confused.

“Can a buddhist come down from heaven?” Buddhists generally are not in the business of coming down from anywhere because they don’t generally go up things like trees, the wall, or their high horses. That being said, Buddhists are curious and may want to visit Heaven, but only metaphorically and metaphysically since they don’t believe in Heaven but would fight to their death your right to believe in it, if they weren’t so non-violent. In other words, if you look up into the sky from now until your neck is stuck, you are highly unlikely to see a Buddhist drifting downward.

“How do you do the Limbo Rock?” Let’s clarify. If you are asking how I do the Limbo Rock, I don’t. I had back surgery once and, unlike the Bionic Woman, I don’t want all my parts replaced even if I could look like Lindsey Wagner. If you want to see how drunken limber people do this dance, click here.

If that's what a robot looks like, I may reconsider my former stance on total body replacement.

“Are fleshy girls cute?”  Yes, fleshy girls are cute. If you don’t think so, chances are they can sit on you, and pull on your hair (or something equally tender) until you promise to stop judging them for their appearance.

“How should a short peace message be written?” Briefly.

“How do I start SONY Trinitron without remote control?” Since you don’t have Mémé possessing your TV to help you, I suggest you remove your butt from your recliner, walk to the TV, feel around for a button that moves, and push it. If you’re really lucky, the button you push is the “Power” button. If not, call the toll-free SONY tech support and wait 30 minutes to speak to a computer that is “happy to help you fix your problem.” Or you could call a 900 number for a psychic. You’ll get through immediately to a real live psychic person. Mémé might still be available for house calls.

See? A real live person!

“I am wondering about the appearance of my unborn child.” This is clearly a passive-aggressive person who can’t even ask a direct question. Since I’m not passive-aggressive or judgmental, I’ll answer your oddly-worded question. Depending on gestation, your unborn child could look like a blob (that everyone swears looks like a darling baby on a grainy sonogram still-shot) or like an old person crammed in an aquarium. I am wondering why you’re wondering…

“Do catholic girls have a hard time finding love?” Are we talking romantic love, love of others, love of self, love of pasta? I don’t think it’s any harder for a random Catholic girl to find love than it is for any other random person. But the chances of those two random people finding each other in this big wide random world are infinitesimally small and terrible romantic…

The giraffe's name is Rick and sounds a lot like Bogart: "Of all the green fields, in all the zoos, in all world, she walks into mine..."

“Are Highly Sensitive People Warriors?” They fight with themselves a lot, so, yes, they are warriors. They’d rather make love than war, but if they have to, they’ll fight for a good cause—like peace. Try not to disturb them while they’re doing battle. They startle easily and it’s disturbing to watch a warrior cry.

And you thought the Lion was cowardly. Silly you! He was a Highly Sensitive Pussy-Cat (HSP) forced into battle. Makes perfect sense now, doesn't it?

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I'll be up to another bag of tricks soon.