This may explain some of the more "unusual" search terms I discovered on my "Stats Page." Barbie should go to bed at a decent hour.

Let’s take another look at the Internet search terms bringing desperate  disturbed unsuspecting web surfers to my screwball charming blog about my reads-like-a-best-seller glad-it’s-her-not-me tragically humorous life. If you missed the first installment of my foray into this dark underbelly fascinating aspect of the WordPress Stats Page, check out Imagine the Disappointment….

Here’s what’s new and what, unfortunately, hasn’t changed much.

Rex is excited when his Internet searches lead him to blogs that tickle his funny bone, which he regrettably buried under the rose bushes.

Searching for Someone/Something Specific:

  1. Confused Old Woman. Whoever you are (I hope it’s just one person relentlessly searching for a confused old woman), may your search end soon for everyone’s sake. Think of your reputation. Do you really want your 15 minutes of fame be for stalking a confused old woman? She’s not even likely to appreciate your efforts.
  2. Swarm of Flies. I need a bit of clarification. Are you looking for a swarm of flies for some kinky sex-thing or are you trying to rid yourself of a swarm of flies due to a kinky sex-thing? Either way, my posts are neither entomological or kink-o-rific.
  3. Woman Eating Banana. I’m a vegetarian and enjoy a banana as much as the next health-minded person, but something tells me you people searching for this specific term aren’t interested in diet tips.
  4. I’m Sorry in Blood/I’m Sorry on Hands. Either you people share a serious case of Terminal Apologitis or you’re looking for people who do. If it’s both, please don’t hook up.
  5. Professional Barbie. I’m very flattered, Search Engine Overlords, but I am a real woman with an amazing soft, supple figure, not some hard plastic doll that feminists hate.
  6. Human Pile Up: If you’re looking for a human pile up, I suggest you tune into ESPN and leave my blog alone.
  7. Old Guy Poke. Yuck. I need to take a shower.
  8. Alex In Jail. Sorry Alex. I just deep-sixed your Presidential aspirations. Some pundit will point to my blog and create a campaign-ending scandal. Never fear. You can always become a pundit. It helps to have a scandal or two in your background to give you credibility.
  9. Sexy Photo of My Boyfriend. Don’t look here. I don’t have it! Unless you’re referring to my boyfriend. Then we need to talk.
  10. Soiled Air. Okay, not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, but does my writing stink so badly that a search engine would direct a person to my site when some desperado is looking for “soiled air?” I am not amused.

I'm glad I'm not quite human. Those Homo sapiens are into some very disturbing things. Now, If you'll excuse me. I must read more about their odd Internet activities.

Warnings/Complaints/Newsflashes

  1. Do Not Anger The Gods. Too late.
  2. Limbo Rock Head Up. No. No. No. Unless you’re trying out for the movie Jackass 5, Just When You Thought They Must All Be In Rehab, keep your head down during the Limbo Rock. My usual “chin up” policy doesn’t apply around low horizontal poles, rum and Calypso music.
  3. You Have Too Much Time On Your Hands. Vidiot! Look at your reflection in your computer screen, Internet Desperado. Now excuse me while I peruse my “Stats” page…
  4. How Not To Be Scared Of People Jumping Out At Me. I think I’m the one who typed in this search. There’s no help out there for this vexing HSP issue.
  5. Bert and Ernie Adopt and Child. [Cue Sesame Street Theme song] “Sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away. On my way to where the air is sweet… Can you tell me how to get, how to get a Child Protective Services Agent to Sesame Street?”
  6. Not A Lot Of Sex On Honeymoon. What? Now I’m a sex-therapist? “So, your wife is not so hotsy-totsy for you in the hoopla department? She still loves you. She’s just not loving your winkie in her schlinkie. You might try wood-carving as an outlet.” (NOTE: These are the absurd ramblings of an unqualified “therapist” and DO NOT reflect the opinions of the eager sensual author of this g-rated blog.)
  7. Step-Grandfather Needs Love Too. I wonder if he just got married and was shut down during his honeymoon? I hope so, otherwise, the Internet Vice Squad may be paying me a visit. Double-yuck.
  8. Mother-in-Law Drunk. And this is a problem because she’s drinking your booze? running your re-election campaign? editing your first book? giving you advice on how to live your life?
  9. Swear With Aplomb. Balderdash! Poppycock! Crumidty Dum Dum! Anyone who uses words like “aplomb” should be speaking with a British accent, wearing a velvet smoking jacket, watching Masterpiece Theater, and sipping 100-year-old brandy, not swearing.
  10. Can’t Understand Phone Speech. Well, I suggest you wait for the next generation iPhone. I hear they are working on a really good telephone app.

How'd we end up here, Ole Blue? What the heck, let's stick around fer a while. This pasture sure ain't what I was lookin' fer, but it's mighty invitin'.

Searching for Lorna

Every day a few people are desperately seeking Lorna. I’m less rattled than I was. I’m putting  out myself “out there.” Naturally, people “out there” are obsessed bored curious, especially when they search for “silly snakes” and find my blog (true).

Lorna’s hair school still comes up. A lot. Is it a typo or a request for my Senior class picture? Just in case it’s a typo…

So young. So serious. So much for hair school.

I’ll be back with more zany search terms. I have confidence in you Internet Desperadoes the search engines that bring you into my pasture.