Shall we give it one last go, Ollie? Oh, let’s, Stan. Fine, Ollie, we’ll give the crowd the last of Lorna’s Student Bloopers then take a bow.

Are you ready for the last on my student college student essay bloopers? If you missed the first two posts, check out Dirty Little Secret Revealed and Dude, You Actually Read What I Wrote? The disclaimers are the same: all these are real quotes from papers in my sociology classes over the years but the names are long forgotten (and obliterated to protect their anonymity, especially if they are now politicians).

In a paper about Hospice programs: “I feel the hospice program will be increasing all over the United States because it seems to be a popular alternative for death and dying.” So that explains why these programs are so hard to get into and people are living so much longer.

Let’s see a show of hands for anyone who would rather join the Hospice program rather than experience death and/or dying. Alrighty then…

In an essay arguing to raise the minimum wage: “Although I make more than minimum wage, I will explain why I feel that minimum wage should very from city to city and be risen to at least more than $3.00 above the poverty level.” For a single person, the poverty threshold is $10,890 per year. $3.00 sure would make a difference. But what would you spend it on?

In an essay on religious profiling due to the 9/11 terrorist attacks: “Now the U.S. is up in arms about national security.” I love an unintended pun.

And with the new TSA security scanners…well, nothing is left up to the imagination.

In an essay about technology and its social consequences: “Technology as been going on for at least 100 years. Either I or the book came up with one downfall of technology. It could hurt the economy by firing people. Another economic problem that we might see in the next 25 years is depression.”

Yeah, you bet your sweet asterisk I’m depressed. My iPad froze in the middle of hooking up with J-Lo.

In a paper on campaign finance reform: “Money is the corruption of all evil.” Suddenly our economy woes and rampant political debauchery makes so much more sense.

In a paper on the role of women in religion: “When I became an alter server it was okay for the priest at this one parish, but when I moved to another parish the priest told me I couldn’t be an alter server because I was female. A few years later, my little sister went through the same thing and I wrote a letter to the pope. Now females are able to participate in the mass ceremony as alter servers and lecturers and anything but the priest position.” Wow! That must have been one convincing letter.

In a paper about female body image: “Many surgeons were furious at the ban of silicon implants. Armed with the belief that the advisory panel was stacked against them…”

Oh, I don’t know. If anything is getting stacked here, I don’t think it’s an advisory panel…

In a paper on racism: “Our forefathers made a error of considerable dimension when they started rounding up folks in Africa and shipping them to the New World for use as tractors and steam shovels. People pressed into such hard service are apt to be peeved for several centuries, and their disadvantages, of course, become the curse and shame of us all.” 200+ years is a long time for a person to be peeved. Anger like that can age you.

And that, as they say, is all she wrote. My sincere thanks to all of my students who touched my life in so many unexpected ways.