I thought the Interweb was supposed to be smarter than I am. That's why people are always telling me to "Google it," right?

I’m almost 5-months old in the blogging world. That makes me, what? Middle-aged? Great; that’s what I am—an almost 54-year old woman who writes using blogging as her vehicle to get her words “out there.” (Versus an almost 54-year old “out there” woman who writes using blogging as her vehicle to drive other people insane.)

It's all about reinventing yourself, Baby! And having your plastic surgeon on speed dial...(for Christie, not me).

I’ve learned a thing or three about blogging and WordPress, but let’s focus on the “Stats” page and the Intel it provides. Not only does this page give me the opportunity to obsess on the number of “hits” my blog gets (this sounds too violent for my Buddhist nature, but I’m human, I have to know, and I must use the proper blog-lexicon even if it sounds rather Tony Soprano-ish), but I can also discern which posts are getting the most views.

Whatcha need, Babe? You gotta have a coupla more hits on that blog a yours? Hey, you want that. It's a phone call away.

The feature that frightens intrigues me the most, however, is the one that list the various search terms on Google (or other search engines) that directs viewers to my blog. These sickening, despicable, muddle-headed,misguided souls must be traumatized, demoralized, disappointed when their search leads them to my sweet, innocent blog.

Here are the most common search terms/themes that Lorna’s Voice attracts—these are real:

What do you find when you do a general web search without carefully considering your search terms? Look closely at what this woman has found. That's what you get.

Searching for Someone/Something Specific:

  1. Confused Old Woman. I object to this characterization. I am NOT old. Fifty is the new Thirty, which makes Thirty the new Ten, which makes the collapse of our political and economic systems logical–it’s run by ten-year-olds.
  2. Sexy Woman and Dog. This one unnerves me. But imagine the perv that is looking for some X-rated site and finds my blog about Scrappy. Talk about a let-down (both figuratively and literally).
  3. Mature Woman Sexy Thighs. Did I ever once show a picture of my legs or talk about my legs? Sure they’re long, lean, shapely, mini-skirt wowzarific legs, but I’m not one to brag in public about such things.
  4. Hot Puritan Women. Huh? I’m pretty sure that “hot” and “Puritan” are not allowed in the same sentence even when discussing the temperature of an oven.
  5. Girls Feeling Each Other. I may be naïve, but I’m pretty sure this search wasn’t about empathy or hugging. Another deflated perv…
  6. Alcoholic Prostitute: Now that’s just mean. A search engine picked my blog from that search. I never took any money for services rendered under the influence. But I accepted credit cards dinner.
  7. Sorry banana. You figure it out. I can’t.
  8. Crooked Man Nipples. Internet Searcher, whoever you are, I’m sorry you landed on my blog and found no man-nipples, crooked or otherwise.
  9. My wife undressing. Well, she isn’t here. I suggest you keep searching.

Dear Lorna, to be honest with you, I don't really know what it means when someone says, "I'm not going to lie to you..." and then tells me something. Can you help me? Signed Honestly Confused

Searching for Advice

  1. How to pose for a naughty picture and send it to my boyfriend. You won’t find that kind of advice here, but please share your findings. I’m sure others will be interested.
  2. Uncontrollable unstoppable farts. I sympathize with you, especially when you’re at your computer exploding and ruining your pants, furniture, and relationships, and then land on my blog to end the devastation.
  3. Beelzebub is possessing me. How am I supposed to help you with this? I’ve tried Catholicism, Methodism, and Atheism. Buddhists don’t believe in the devil (we won’t even capitalize his name). However, proof of your satanic possession is that you found my blog when you reached out for help. Maybe the Internet isn’t the best solution for saving your soul.
  4. Can you get into trouble looking things up on college WiFi? Ironic: too much and yet to little information. I bet my blog get’s cited in a college research paper.
  5. Slut training. Sure. Click here for the 7-day course I’m offering. But wait! There’s more. If you sign up now, you’ll get my free monthly newsletter, “The Alcoholic Prostitute: It’s as Easy As 1, 2, 3!”
  6. Lack of nookieitis. I haven’t even written those stories yet, so how did Google know to send that search to my blog already? Scary…
  7. How to stop being a Catholic good girl. See number 5.
  8. Gnome phobia. Scrappy sympathizes, but I bet that didn’t help you.

This is what I came here for, right? Or is it?

Searching for Lorna

I’m not sure how I feel about the bevy of searches that have my name in them. Should I be flattered that my blog is getting “out there?” Should I be concerned that the 3 people who may want me dead (or who just plain want me) are trying to find me? Is someone putting together a dossier on me? Besides variations of Lorna’s Voice, these search terms come up:

  1. Friends with benefits Lorna. You wish.
  2. Wild teen Lorna. Only when drunk and you wish.
  3. Lorna busted. Never and you wish, but why?
  4. Lorna’s hair school. Either you type like I do, or you want me to put up a picture of my Senior picture. Your wish might come true.

Maybe I should stop looking at this potion of the “Stats” page. What do you think?