Myrna takes to bed with a "sick headache" and her alarm clock, knowing the end is near. She waits. It's only a matter of time. But, then again, the reason she has a headache is because she just learned that time isn't real. Myrna beats her alarm clock to death, fully realizing the irony that she just killed time.

I’m not one to panic/ over-react pay attention to seemingly unrelated, but eerily coincidental, phenomena. That’s why I avoid the news, except to watch the weather so I know what to wear and how moody I should be for the day ahead.

But sometimes creepy news is hard to avoid. It just smacks me in the face. Well, okay, these news stories don’t fly into my face like mosquitoes looking for lunch. They pop up in my email, and everyone knows that you have to read your emails, right? Otherwise, the world will come to an end and we’d all be forced to talk to each other, which is almost as bad.

Please, don’t be alarmed at what I’m about to share with you. I’m only telling you this because the world as we know it is vanishing and I just think you should know. Think of this as the 2012-End-Of-The-World-Pre-Game Show.

News Story One: There’s credible plausible interesting hilarious evidence that Nicholas Cage is a vampire. Go ahead, rub your eyes and read it again—a vampire. If he’s not a vampire, he has some very good genes, which, girls and boys, we pretty much knew about anyway.

Is this picture worth a million dollars? Some man in Seattle thinks so. He says it's a picture taken in Tennessee in 1870 and proof that Nickolas Cage is a vampire that regenerates himself every 70-80 years or so. You have to admit Nick looks pretty dapper in a mustache and Christmas Bow.

New Story Two: Astrophysicists or some high-flaluten’ scientists have clocked some neutrinos (subatomic partials or a really hip-sounding band) zipping around faster than the speed of light. This is impossible according to Einstein and Superman (well, he was faster than a speeding bullet, but his opinion still matters among those of us who don’t understand the Theory of Relativity and do understand how Kryptonite works).

Ah, I knew it. I re-examine dee formula und dee future. Dee ting dat vill beat light is dee Hip Hopper, Neutrino.

What’s next? Many people rely on natural laws to explain the crap that life hands them on a poop-platter.  There’s comfort in blaming forces beyond our control for what happens to us–we feel less stupider. But knowing about these recent cracks in the supposedly immutable walls of space and time, I have my doubts that some other “laws” will hold up.

Murphy’s Law assures us, “Anything that can go wrong, will.” Hold your horses, Hoss! You best prepare yourself for an end to violence,  poverty, and computer glitches. Brace yourself for things to go right for a change. It’ll be a shocker, but what choice to we have?

This is not something you're used to seeing, so take your time, adjust your eyes or glasses or medication, and take a few deep breaths.

Gravity is something we’ve stood by since Galileo dropped balls from the Leaning Tower of Pisa (which wasn’t leaning so much at the time, so there weren’t as many tourists milling around to konk on the head with his balls–that didn’t come out right). Newton (Isaac, not Fig) got in on the gravity action much later.  All bets are off now, though. I wouldn’t count on what’s coming up around you necessarily coming down, or vise versa. It’ll get interesting and maybe even a little messy…

By "messy" I mean the melee that ensues when well-dressed high-brows shove each other to suck wine from the air. Kind of takes the "posh" out of the party.

Inertia, oh, fickle inertia. Bodies currently at rest are supposed to stay that way. Stop the presses! Those bodies just may surprise you, so you might want to steer clear of cemeteries, morgues, and Starbucks.

Study this chart carefully and consider yourself warned.

Hey, I’m just doing a public service and trying to warn you that something weird-zoid is happening. And we can’t blame everything on the meteorologists.

And this is why I try never to miss the weather. You just never know what kind of system might pop up.