Warning! Internal Sensor Malfunction!

Internal Sensor Malfunction? Garth, I invented that. No way, Wayne. Way, Garth. No Wahay, Wayne. Wahayhay, Garth. Well, Garth, It's obvious we're not going to settle this like children, so let's dance. Excellent, Wayne!

People and the things they say are a never-ending source of bemusement.

When people say off-the wall things, are they:

  • under the influence of wacky-tabacky, booze, or too much Red Bull (in an altered state of reality where saying gonzo things seems just fine)?
  • sleep or sex deprived (cranky and looking for mischief)?
  • having difficulty with bowel movements (cranky and looking for someone to unload on)?
  • spending too much time with family members they love but don’t like (cranky and want to spread the misery)?
  • unhappy about being old and possibly dying (see above)?
  • anxious about getting old or life in general (cranky and want someone to feel worse)?
  • repeating childhood patterns even though they are eligible for AARP (comfortable with being a curmudgeon)?
  • not aware that what they said was actually heard by the people they said it to (preoccupied with one of the above or an auditory malfunction)?

Any of the above reasons, and probably others, cause what I call an “Internal Sensor Malfunction”–a disconnect between an off-the-wall thought, the internal sensor (trigger) that’s supposed to protect you from getting assaulted your reputation, and your mouth from opening. Maybe some examples will help you to understand.

Example 1: Two days ago I had my hair cut. The woman who cuts my hair (W) knows I’m not a chatterbox, so we have a meditative 45 minutes of hair cutting and styling.

I bet it gets great gas mileage...

The another hair stylist (K) and her customer talked non-stop. Had a cartoon bubble been above their heads, it would’ve exploded. The focus of their banter was how each woman loathed, despised, and deemed her current car insufferable. I heard every problem with each vehicle, amazed that no one had driven the four-wheeled atrocities off a cliff. Finally the woman’s hair was done and she left, ostensibly in her hate-mobile. K walked to the back of the salon, leaving W and me in blissful silence, but not for long.

K shoved a small plastic box in W’s face and asked “Whatdaya think of this?” W gave K a quizzical look. K’s brows furrowed and this woman who’d just spent the last half hour in a complaint-fest said (in a high-pitched voice), “How about a little encouragement around here? Is that too much to ask? I just had to hang up on my mother-in-law. If I don’t hear something positive, I’m going to scream!” I kid you not.

Sassy Lorna Haircut: W likes to play with my hair and make it look stylish. I washed the gunk out of it after I took this picture.

Example 2: This morning Scrappy and I took a two-mile walk to the Wellness Center, just to get the monthly schedule of classes (in case I feel motivated). I was plugged into my iPod, so while Scrappy was stopping and sniffing, I was shimmying and singing. We were having fun.

I have ear-buds, so I look way cooler than this.

I was singing “Breathless” by The Corrs as I entered the Wellness Center parking lot. An older couple was getting into their minivan. They stopped as they heard me. I got closer, but didn’t stop singing–I can’t stop singing that song. I could see they were asking me something so I turned my music off.

The woman asked me Scrappy’s name.

The man asked me, “How did yer mama and papa feel ’bout wastin’ their money on yer singin’ lessons?” Huh?

Just to be sure he wasn’t just kidding, I said, “Excuse me?” He repeated his question word for word.

I said, “Oh, I’m just having fun.”

His response: “At least you are.” Double-huh?

In my defense, I was recruited as the lead soprano for a church choir, albeit a small one. And I’ve been told by people who don’t love me that I have a great singing voice.

Let's just pretend I can pass for Faith Hill if you close your eyes and listen to me sing "Breathe."

I sang and danced all the home knowing this would be my post today.

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 12, 2011.

29 Responses to “Warning! Internal Sensor Malfunction!”

  1. I’m always amazed at the stuff that comes out of some people’s mouths. Who needs “reality TV” when all you have to do is be around people who eventually lose their ability to edit their thoughts? 🙂

    Thanks–I like my sassy new look, too!

  2. Those types of people have no “edit” function. Everything they think comes out in a long, politically or humanly incorrect stream of consciousness–or should I say un-consciousness.

    I’m in awe that a complete stranger would say that to you.

    Cute haircut, Lorna!

  3. Scrappy definitely likes my singing! You must be psychic. 😉

  4. At some point, T, you’ll have to open your eyes and face the, um, music. 😉

  5. Maybe he was facing a day of shopping for granny underware with his wife… He was just miserable. 😉

  6. AA is a program that has helped countless people, but it’s not for everyone. I never thought about the notion that it didn’t work because I am a free-thinker, but I like that! I always chalked it up to being anti religious and group-averse. Thanks a more positive way to think about it!

  7. I must say you have my sympathy. No one can take away from the cfedit you deserve for overcoming your dependance on alchohol, but the worthy goodness of the AA meetings would have tried my patience also and, wether you stuck with them or not, which is hard for a free thinking person, you have somehow set yourself free and that is truely admirable

  8. HOW dare he, did someone make him a judge on THE VOICE? This is where you ask if his mama or papa ever taught him manners?
    Huh? Guess not!!!
    You are a great singer, dancer, and sometimes gardener.

  9. so wait… i can close my eyes and pretend you’re someone else? Wow…finally a woman who doesn’t mind it when i scream another woman’s name!



  10. Some people just can’t see real talent … SING ON !!!!
    Anyway … Scrappy liked your sining.
    Nice hair – do …. great pix.
    Izzy ~~~ : – )

  11. I couldn’t agree with you more…:)

  12. I LOVE your philosophy and I shall practice it every day!

  13. You are ever so kind!

  14. You are ever so kind!

  15. Thanks so much. I won’t let people like that get me down. I find them curious and I write about them.

  16. Yeah, that’s my assessment, too. You have to feel sorry for a person with so little joy in his life that he has to try to take it from another person… Imagine living withthis man!

  17. Sounds to me like that man was just mean. You have to pity him, really.

  18. Love the hairstyle! And the Corrs! Ya’ know, honest to God (if there is one, lol) some people are just Misery on Wheels no matter what you do, say or sing. That you are singing at all in a world filled with much one could cry about, is to be appreciated. Period. From one off the wall crazy chick to another, this was another good hit to my funny bones. You do good work 🙂

  19. AHA! So that’s what I have: internal sensor malfunction. Now that it has a name, I can some up with better excuses for it.
    Love the new hair cut; tis cute. It took me years, but my hair dresser is now trained to not even attempt to put hair spray in my hair. I hate all that goop. And the guy in the street; he was just being rude because he’s jeolous that you and Scrappy were having a good time. That’s what I tell myself when that happens to me. So keep on singing and dancing!!!

  20. Love this! My philosophy is ( well I have many, so here’s just one) to dance like no one’s watching. After reading this, I would like to add “sing like some grumpy old geezer is listening and complaining”. I’m so glad you didn’t let them rain on your performance/parade. My kinda girl. Awesome!

  21. I think it’s great that you just kept on singing. Life is way too short to be grumpy.

  22. I think he was just a miserable sort. And he gave me something to blog about, so no harm, no foul!

  23. Glad you liked what you saw!

  24. Faith Hill – hot! You – even hotter! The gal from Eastern Europe – the hottest!! Schwiinngg! Schwiinngg!

  25. It’s a good thing K wasn’t your stylist, because then I’d be asking if you tipped ala your perm disaster tale… 🙂

    Was this guy trying to be funny? Teasing is something that should be reserved for folks you’ve known for a while. Ugh. I would have asked him a third time, but this time a lot closer to his face, and then tell him he had bad breath… Sheesh!

    Glad you kept on singing.

  26. Oh, I’ll keep on singing. Don’t worry about that! Do you think that was “hometown” humor? He didn’t have that devilish grin that usually comes with teasing… Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter. He’s not the one whose ear I’m singing into at night…

  27. I like the sing lessons question. That was funny. Keep on singing and don’t worry about what others think.

  28. Unbelieveable–couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!

  29. LOL love it!! How about something positive!!! Hahaha I died!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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