Dude, You Actually Read What I Wrote?

Whaaat? Dude I thought you just collected our papers, not read them. I was, like, totally punked by my brohanski who just dropped out of college. He has this gravey-noodles gig at a Sunglasses Hut. You're blowin' my mind, Man.

A little while ago, I shared with you a smattering of student bloopers I collected over my years as a college professor. I think it’s time for a few more. It’s hurricane season, it’s always hatred and violence season, economic meltdown seems imminent, and the new Fall TV line up is weeks away. We need a little uplifting.

Please be assured that the students who made these bloopers: 1. are 15-20 years older now and probably forgot me and their blooper; 2. were given private coaching (by me) to fix their mistakes and improve their writing.

If you’re a student and are getting paranoid about your teachers/professors collecting your past or future bloopers, there’s an easy way to calm your fears: have someone adept at proof-reading review your assignments before you turn them it. Someone other than you.

That being said, here are more verbatim quotes from student short assignments and term papers.

Describing the Aztecs: “In the Aztec culture, marriage was a very impotent social institution.”

That's okay, they didn't have indoor plumbing either.

Describing the political power of aging Baby Boomers: “Many elderly people will run for offices in town while, some will run for president or senator positions in the White House.”

Oh, that's why these guys wield so much power over our tax code and what to order for lunch. They live in the White House with the President. I wonder if they all get their own bedrooms.

Discussing the psychosocial and physical effects of Alzheimer’s Disease: “They will not have any control over bodily functions so they will be extremely irritable.”

 

Talk about loosing control of your bodily functions...we can't even move unless some guy has his hand up our butts.

 

Debating the merits of euthanasia: “When people are in some form of pain, most of them contemplate suicide or experience suicidal thoughts (source: Anonymous).”

I know someone said that, but they didn't want everyone to know they said it because it sounds awful. No one wants to be known for saying something awful even if it sounds true.

Describing an attempted date-rape experience, then analyzing the social problem: “She just stared at him for a moment and then knead him between the legs.”

I told you Officer, I tried to rape her but she got me in the face with pepper spray. I fell back. Then SHE came after me and started kneading me between my legs. I was all kinds of confused. I want to press charges against her for groping.

Discussing how information technology has changed society: “Couples engage in sex over the computer now which also decrease the personal level of all relationships.”

Okay, I just moved my laptop from under my head, but yours is still under my back. Oh, forget about it! I need you NOW, CyberStud7-8! Take me...oh, yeah...

Debating the merits of technology when applied to human life: “With this technology comes with the matter of clowning, in-vito fertilization, abortion, and jeanetic screeming.”

Vito was the unfortunate byproduct of genetic engineering gone terribly wrong.

Discussing the difference between the sexes: “I don’t think that there is any merit at all in treating women and men differently. What is so different? Gentile’s are about the biggest difference I can think of, and big deal, now that can be changed.”

Could you change just like that? It's not so easy being one of us. We should know.

Describing how chiropractic fits into Western Medicine: “Chiropractic is a modern way of self-help the doctors try to fine out what is wrong with your spin if anything by taking X-rays and feeling your backside.”

Apparently, this is a modern school of chiropractic. The X-ray machine is probably hidden by all the students feeling each other's backsides.

I hope you enjoyed this installment of student bloopers. Until next time…

 

 

 

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 8, 2011.

49 Responses to “Dude, You Actually Read What I Wrote?”

  1. It was difficult, but I’m a consummate professional…and a great actress! 😉

  2. Hope all is going well for you, lady!

    Take care,
    Skip 🙂 xo

  3. I’ll see what I can do… 😉

  4. Looking forward to seeing a new post or two from you this week. It’s not like you’re all THAT busy, is it? (You can “kill” me for that remark later)!

    Skip 🙂 xo

  5. You too! 🙂

  6. Have a great weekend, and we’ll talk next week!

    Skip 🙂

  7. All true!

  8. 🙂

  9. Thanks Mr. Skipy! 🙂

  10. Lorna, everything you write is great. Yeah, no, I mean it! I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what I said is really what I think I meant…

    Skipy :)xo

  11. Glad you liked it!

  12. And finally, awesome! I can’t believe I missed this one…

  13. […] essay bloopers? If you missed the first two posts, check out Dirty Little Secret Revealed and Dude, You Actually Read What I Wrote? The disclaimers are the same: all these are real quotes from papers in my sociology classes over […]

  14. Thanks–I just might! 😉

  15. Two things: one if you are drunk, that sign makes perfect sense and (two) no that’s me in the middle not an x-ray machine and thats my left arm. Oh damn who just woke me up!!! You need to put some of these pictures on http://www.lastcomicblogging.wordpress.com

  16. I spend WAY too many hours seaching Google Images using key phrases. When I can’t find the right picture, I try another key word or phrase. Sometimes they just pop into view and most times I feel like I’m on safari hunting for an extinct species. It just takes a lot of determination and creativity when it comes to key work searches on Google Images.

    Good luck!

  17. Good heavens — if I wasn’t scared of clowns before, I sure am now! Where do you find all these fantastic and so appropriate pictures? Teach me Obi-Wan Kenobi!

  18. Enjoy being unpluged. I’m sure you’ll find something to do…;)

  19. Thanks, you, too!

  20. In a word…
    Hilarious 🙂

    Have a very nice weekend…

    Androgoth

  21. oh the pic with the girls and the strategic celebratory but holding…yeah…it’s what I needed since I’m going to be stuck with no electricity for the weekend from tropical storms… argh..

    T.

  22. And you, my friend, needed a good dose of laughter. I’m happy I was able to provide some for you. I hope you got some rest and the waters have receded…

  23. Oh, I asked these students to come to my office and we went over the papers. That was when I had to use all self-restraint of the Buddah himself to get through some of these session…

  24. That’s what I love to hear! Blooper Therapy, whoda thunk it?

  25. Yeah, it’s always after you send your hard work away into the land of the irretrievable, isn’t it? I think our brains like to play tricks on us because we think we’re smarter than they are..or maybe it’s our fingers. Whatever, something rascally is going on!

  26. I love these: keep them coming. Mind you I’ve made some howling typos in my time “Shite” instead of “White” springs to memory. One of those things you see just after you push the “Publish” button. Oh No !.

  27. Wonderful-marvellous stuff – its Friday 6:20 pm – knackered from the week that was, then you energised me, thanks Lorna – imachortling, cheers catchul8r molly

  28. That’s so funny Lorna, love the “kneading” between the legs. I wonder how you kept your face straight when you handed these papers back!
    Great post!

  29. “With this technology comes with the matter of clowning, in-vito fertilization, abortion, and jeanetic screeming.”

    Good lord, this is wrong on so many levels, and funny on so many levels as well. I just couldn’t stop laughing. 🙂

  30. Yes, I can imagine the Castanzas getting in on the whole Gentile thing, too!

  31. “Discussing the difference between the sexes” – “Gentiles” – that is hilarious. Seinfeld would have had a real funny take on that one.
    Funny Girl ..
    Isadora

  32. I burst out laughing in my office when I read that one so long ago. I’m one of those Gentiles, too–well, sort of. I’m one-quarter Jewish. Long story for another post somewhere down the line…

  33. Yes, I was wondering that, too. I also wondered if any of them were responsible for that road sign at the end of the post! 😉

  34. My heart is filled with joy to know I brought a little laughter and lightness to the day of someone as special as you. That sounds hokey, but it’s true.

  35. Making mistakes is part of being human. Laughing is, too. I’m glad I’m human in both ways!

  36. I guess I should accept that spell-checker is good for something — like about a hundred laughs! Keep ’em comin’.

  37. These are great – I needed a good laugh. I’m also having one of those weeks. can’t wait for the next installment.

  38. Yes, we do need this kind of diversion and your students could certainly put an interesting spin on a topic. I wonder if any of them are blogging. 🙂

  39. As a Gentile, I’m glad to know I’ve made a difference.

    Funeeeeee stuff!!!!

  40. Thanks! Glad you’re back and commenting. Always love to hear what you think!

  41. I’m so glad! And thanks for stopping by and commenting. Hope you visit again.

  42. This made my day, thanks!!! 🙂

  43. Can you believe “in-vito” and clowning in the same sentence? I had to do something with a clown picture–it ws just too obvious!

  44. Happy to help you out. A lot of us are having one of “those weeks”…

  45. Proof-reading is a lost art among college students, and the results are amusing to say the least!

  46. OMG! I loved the Statler and Waldorf section. Very funny, bravo!!!

  47. My favorites were the “kneading” between the legs and the”clowning” and “jeanetic screeming”. Whoo–too funny!

    Thanks for the endorphin rush, Lorna!

  48. Thank you for making me laugh. It’s been one of those weeks!

  49. LOL I loved vito. That was my favorite!!! These were great thanks for the laugh!!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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