Whaaat? Dude I thought you just collected our papers, not read them. I was, like, totally punked by my brohanski who just dropped out of college. He has this gravey-noodles gig at a Sunglasses Hut. You're blowin' my mind, Man.

A little while ago, I shared with you a smattering of student bloopers I collected over my years as a college professor. I think it’s time for a few more. It’s hurricane season, it’s always hatred and violence season, economic meltdown seems imminent, and the new Fall TV line up is weeks away. We need a little uplifting.

Please be assured that the students who made these bloopers: 1. are 15-20 years older now and probably forgot me and their blooper; 2. were given private coaching (by me) to fix their mistakes and improve their writing.

If you’re a student and are getting paranoid about your teachers/professors collecting your past or future bloopers, there’s an easy way to calm your fears: have someone adept at proof-reading review your assignments before you turn them it. Someone other than you.

That being said, here are more verbatim quotes from student short assignments and term papers.

Describing the Aztecs: “In the Aztec culture, marriage was a very impotent social institution.”

That's okay, they didn't have indoor plumbing either.

Describing the political power of aging Baby Boomers: “Many elderly people will run for offices in town while, some will run for president or senator positions in the White House.”

Oh, that's why these guys wield so much power over our tax code and what to order for lunch. They live in the White House with the President. I wonder if they all get their own bedrooms.

Discussing the psychosocial and physical effects of Alzheimer’s Disease: “They will not have any control over bodily functions so they will be extremely irritable.”

 

Talk about loosing control of your bodily functions...we can't even move unless some guy has his hand up our butts.

 

Debating the merits of euthanasia: “When people are in some form of pain, most of them contemplate suicide or experience suicidal thoughts (source: Anonymous).”

I know someone said that, but they didn't want everyone to know they said it because it sounds awful. No one wants to be known for saying something awful even if it sounds true.

Describing an attempted date-rape experience, then analyzing the social problem: “She just stared at him for a moment and then knead him between the legs.”

I told you Officer, I tried to rape her but she got me in the face with pepper spray. I fell back. Then SHE came after me and started kneading me between my legs. I was all kinds of confused. I want to press charges against her for groping.

Discussing how information technology has changed society: “Couples engage in sex over the computer now which also decrease the personal level of all relationships.”

Okay, I just moved my laptop from under my head, but yours is still under my back. Oh, forget about it! I need you NOW, CyberStud7-8! Take me...oh, yeah...

Debating the merits of technology when applied to human life: “With this technology comes with the matter of clowning, in-vito fertilization, abortion, and jeanetic screeming.”

Vito was the unfortunate byproduct of genetic engineering gone terribly wrong.

Discussing the difference between the sexes: “I don’t think that there is any merit at all in treating women and men differently. What is so different? Gentile’s are about the biggest difference I can think of, and big deal, now that can be changed.”

Could you change just like that? It's not so easy being one of us. We should know.

Describing how chiropractic fits into Western Medicine: “Chiropractic is a modern way of self-help the doctors try to fine out what is wrong with your spin if anything by taking X-rays and feeling your backside.”

Apparently, this is a modern school of chiropractic. The X-ray machine is probably hidden by all the students feeling each other's backsides.

I hope you enjoyed this installment of student bloopers. Until next time…