My Sassy-Pants Gave Me Away

And you couldn't tell me about this "problem drinking" BEFORE the wedding?

Chuck has been dealt a rather severe blow. What does he make of it?

Two clothing-related incidents precipitated the biggest fight of our marriage and of my life just one month after the wedding:

ONE: Chuck bought a pair of work slacks that were too long and he asked me to hem them. Knowing I was a sewing efficianado and eager to please, this seemed perfectly logical to him. Since he didn’t know about the drinking, he couldn’t factor in my poor tailoring skills while hammered. I hemmed his pants alright. They came out about three inches above his ankles. To  my credit, both pant legs came out even and would’ve been fine for Napoleon Bonaparte. He was not pleased.

See how perfectly aligned the two pant legs are? So what if the pants are a teensy bit short. It shows off his nice ankles.

TWO: We planned to go to Ellicott City, MD for dinner to celebrate our one-month-a-versary. He made a point of saying he couldn’t wear the new pants I ruined. I chose to wear an above-the-knee jeans skirt. That’s all I remember. I’m sure I wore a top, but it was the skirt to which he most strenuously objected. He thought it was skanky inappropriate and that I should change into something more conservative–something in crinolines and a large hoop skirt that would block traffic, perhaps?

I became a raving lunatic iratated. I pre-drank enough vodka to get me through the trip and was feeling sassy. So in an out-of-character expression of honesty I told him, “You have no right to tell me what to wear.” He disagreed. Vehemently. I couldn’t think of anything to say in my defense, being so ill-equiped at debating my rights, so I took Humphrey for a walk. But I walked away in my best sassy “So-There!” strut.

This is what he objected to. He didn't want to be seen in Ellicott City with me dressed in a skirt like this. And I was wearing senisble shoes--not these sex-pot shoes I'd wear today.

Chuck was not the kind of guy a wife in a hooker-skirt walks out on. He followed me. What ensued is probably still talk of the neighbors. He yelled. I yelled back. Don’t ask for a transcript. Humphrey’s dead and he was the only one rational enough to remember. More yelling then Chuck walked away from me, leaving me and my “slut-skirt” to ponder our transgression. I really wanted to stay outside all day, but Humphrey wanted his treats. I went back to the apartment.

Ta be honest wit ya, I was too busy sniffin' an peein' to pay attention ta what dem two was yellin' 'bout. But people started ta gawk, an I had a reputation ta tink 'bout, so I had ta go incognito fer a while.

I felt like I did so many times as a little girl–I hadn’t done anything wrong, but my grandmother thought I had, so she gave me the “evil eye.” I felt small and helpless and little-girlish. Chuck gave me the “silent treatment/cold stare” until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I apologized, changed my clothes and we headed for Ellicott City.

Fine. I'll wear this hideous thing if it makes him happy. Anything to make HIM happy. Maybe there's a place to hide a liter of vodka in all these folds...

In the car, as victor (maybe I should call him Victor) he reviewed the situation, including how appalled he was that I yelled openly in the neighborhood. His yelling didn’t come up. That’s when I, the vanquished bad girl, ran out of excuses and energy. I told him the truth. Whatever the outcome, it had to be easier than the last month.

Um. I sorry. I bad girl. Yelling at Daddy bad. I like juice...potato juice."

He was visibly relieved and said, “Thank God, I thought you were going crazy.” I wanted to say “I am.” But I cried instead. The rest of the day and evening he talked about how to fix my drinking problem. He was a problem-solver and I was a doozy of a problem.

Don't worry Lois, er, I mean Lorna. I am here to save the day. But first you've got some explaining to do.

Is this the end to Lorna’s alcoholism? Has Lorna’s secret shaken the foundation of her marriage?

~ by Lorna's Voice on September 1, 2011.

31 Responses to “My Sassy-Pants Gave Me Away”

  1. You bring up a good point. I’ll start adding a few dates now and again to set the story in the proper time frame. Thanks for the comment. I’m always trying to improve my stories and the last thing I want to do is confuse my readers!

  2. Oh good for you Lady. That’s good news. I’m confused about the timing of events. It seemed like it was pretty current.

  3. Couldn’t agree with you more. Humans are rife with potential for both drama and material for us bloggers.

  4. I’m working on the next installment. Remember, I never want to disappoint anyone!

  5. I suppose no matter what you wore Chuck would not be happy unless it was very conservative attire. You DO know that this type of clothing was going to put Chuck in the ” I have to defend my wife” mode. I can’t imagine how he would handle a whistle from another hombre.

    MMmm…. me think …. el Chucko cannot fix this ….

    Come one .. get busy .. I am waiting for more.

    Te Quiro Mamasita, ~~~~ : – )
    Izzy xoxo

  6. It’s a tale full of pathos

  7. “Daddyish” is exactly the right term for him, Totsymae. I was a great actress when it came to being schnockered and acting sober. He caught on that something was amiss when I passed out almost every night. We never lived together so he wouldn’t have seen that before the wedding. Oh, the tangled web we weave…

  8. It’s my ability to look back and laugh that has helped me navigate all the challenges life has placed before me.

    And I still believe the Humphrey was a person just wearing a dog suit. He was one special guy!

  9. I’m on a roll now. You couldn’t stop me if you tried! There are lots more surprises that lay ahead.

  10. What are you, psychic? 😉

  11. Aurora, you are food for my soul! Thanks so much! Hang onto your Depends Undergarments…you haven’t heard anything yet!

  12. I’m glad she did, too! Welcome and I hope you drop by to keep reading about my wonky but true adventures in life.

  13. You took me through a range of emotions. I’m so glad Totsymae introduced us.

  14. Maudlin? You??? NEVvvverrrrrrr. Holy that’s my territory, LOL Screaming laughing here again, you are so funny. I can’t imagine living with you. I would be needing a change of pants all the time. Must be nice to know you can still make someone, somewhere piddle themselves, lol. Your book is going to rock right off the shelves, I can just see it being held in stores by people who are grinning, laughing out loud and chortling to themselves like we all do when you share another slice of your life with us. Thank you not only for your humour but your candor, brave soul. You have not only come a long way baby, you are really going places if where you take us is any indication of what is ahead for you LOL 🙂

  15. Some one-month celebration. Reality is hitting both of you straight-up side the head!

    Something tells me this was NOT the end of Lorna’s drinking problem. Mr. Handy Dandy Fix-It-Man was not going to “fix” this one.

    Bless your heart…

  16. “I hemmed his pants alright.” Yes you did!

    Your balance is perfect, I think. Please keep it up. I’m enjoying these.

  17. Love your ability to smile Lorna… If I’d seen Humphrey with or without shades I’d have stooped to make friends, and stood to give you a hug

  18. I’m with Humphrey. Smart pooch, he was (and a cutie too).
    I’d really like to see this play out in a Lifetime movie. Good scene but the skirt? I’m scratching my head on that one. Seems a bit daddyish and not too husband-like. How did you hide that problem from him, where he wouldn’t see it before the wedding? You blind Chuck with some good ole Lorna Lovin’? 🙂

  19. Thanks, Al. Maybe a tee shirt franchise, too…

  20. This adventure would make for some great bumper stickers, like “friends don’t let friends hem drunk” or maybe “dogs are a man’s best friend, but a crappy witness.” Another funny episode in life with Lorna!

  21. Hey now! First you say I’m Grrr-eat! Now you say I’m sweet. What am I, a bowl of frosted flakes? 🙂

  22. Yes, it does, Phil. I really appreciate the time and attention you’re giving to my writing and life story. You really are sweet.

  23. We need to start a support group, but we better get a huge space. I have a feeling that there are lots of people out there with very similar experiences. You get married and the masks come off!

  24. One week after we got married, my husband tried to teach me how to drive his car–a full-sized sedan, stick shift, no power steering or power brakes.(He kept yelling at me ‘Feel the car. Listen to it! It will tell you what to do.) As far as I was concerned, the car told me shift from third to reverse, to grind the gears and to stall out in heavy traffic. I was completely traumatized after the first ten minutes and I can honestly say that had we done this before our marriage, the wedding never would have taken place. And if I’d had a tendency to drink, it probably would have started then. This is my way of saying… I completely understand.

  25. No, it’s not too maudlin in tone at all, nor would I ever suggest how to write your life’s story, as it is after all, your life story. My comments were merely a reaction to the unfolding difficulties beginning to pile up. I was trying to convey that I could feel your pain coming through the laughter and smiles you were forcing, along with forcing some vodka to ameliorate the hurt.

    That you were able to engender that reaction is good writing. You cannot always keep everything light-hearted as it becomes one-dimensional and shallow. Hope that clarifies my comments some.

  26. I have the advantage of knowing how this story turns out. As I write about this time in my life, I shake my head and wonder how I could have let things get so out of control. But I am such a different person now than I was then. Aren’t we all? Who is the same 10, 20, 30 years down the line?

    Life experiences can either cripple us or empower us. This is my story about how my life experience didn’t cripple me.

  27. I suppose when telling this kind of story, it’s hard to deny the pain and suffering of everyone who went through it. These were not pretty times, nor times I was particularly proud of, but they were MY times and part of the experiences that lead me to the person I am today. Life is not all peachy for anyone; maybe mine was more sour than sweet for the bulk of it, but I sure learned a lot–mostly how courageous a person I am. And you haven’t heard the worst of it yet…

    How do I tell this kind of tale with a touch of light-heartedness while not denying the pain inherent in a life filled with fear and self-destructive behavior? Is it getting too maudlin? I’m trying to find a balance and I need to know if I’m veering off course.

    If you were in Ellicott City on Nov 1, 1983 and saw a couple walking down the street–one tall, lanky guy in glasses and a 5’7″ curvy blonde with blue eyes (rimmed with with puffy red accents) whose head was hung low wearing some conservative-looking dress and sensible shoes, then maybe we ran into each other… 😉

  28. Hi Ray, It certainly was one of the defining moments–but only one of many to come. This tale has really just begun.

    Thanks for stopping in and commenting. I hope you drop by again. I’d love to hear what you think of my further adventures…

  29. Hi Lorna, well that. certainly had to be a defining moment in your life. I would think that you where horrified and relieved.I bet the dog really did have to go incognito.

  30. Um…what he said above, (apart from the Ellicot city bit). Humor in uncertainty or difficulty is great, but are you concerned at all at the way this all played out? Which might have an obvious answer – maybe the question is what are you going to do about how this all played out, if anything?

  31. I’m not sure if that was humor peppered with pathos, or a full-heaping serving of pathos peppered with humor. Unfortunately, I’m going with the latter. While I admire your ability to find humor (memo to self: Never let Lorna hem your pants), I can’t help but feel a growing sense of melancholy at the same time. Such a quick erosion of excitement and euphoria in the early adventures of the newly married. I suppose that all humor needs to have a bit of pathos to be really touching, but to know it really happened makes me a bit pensive nonetheless.

    As a side note, I moved to Ellicott City from New York City in the early 80’s and have been here ever since. The thought that we may have bumped into each other is rather amusing. 🙂

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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