Dracula had a baby with Judy Holliday…

…and I was born.

Could you turn the flash off on the camera? Are you trying to blind your love child?

I’m an odd child, but I’m pretty sure it’s not my fault.

My father is away a lot “on business. ” He always left at night.

Yes, my Dear, I have another "business" trip. I told you when we met that I did a great deal of "traveling."

When he’s around, he’s always so serious and seriously thirsty. I think I got my drinking problem from him.

He's so intense; he needs those Bloody Marys to chillax.

My mother is easy-going and funny when Pops is away, but she gets cranky when he flies back into town. Her collection of scarves and weapons is impressive. I think she was forced into this relationship.

Get away from me with those smooth-talkin' fangs of yours. There's silver bullets in this gun. What? Those only work on werewolves. Darn. Okay, come over here and let's get this over with. Oh, and remind me to add garlic to my grocery list.

I love the lime light (like my mom), but abhor the daylight (like Pops).

Clouds make me smile and skip merrily. Bright sunshine hurts my eyes and burns my skin.

How am I supposed to do anything productive when I'm blinded by the sunlight? I'm smiling because I just heard that some clouds are rolling in.

Too many days of sunshine make me edgy, causing me to whimper.

I’m overly suspicious of my shadow, which follows me and won’t stop mocking me.

I'm telling you, it's unnerving.

I want to be an actress or comedienne when I grow up, but I only want to perform inside. At night. In cool places.

Perfect! I'm really good at pretending. And I don't mind if YOU get hot as long I as I stay cool.

I love night-time.

Could you make my blanket a little tighter? I can still feel my fingers and toes. And a face mask would be nice.

********

Seasonal Affect Disorder effects between 60%-80% of Americans. Often referred to as “The Winter Blues,” people with SAD, feel depressed when there’s not enough sunshine. About 60% have pretty serious cases where they eat whole bags of Lays potato chips and fly into hissy-fits about re-runs of TV shows they don’t even like. The other 10-20% have more mild cases–they only eat half the bag of chips and watch re-runs like zombies.

This hissy-fit started after he discovered the 2nd bag of potato chips went directly to his hips, rendering his gold spandex pants too tight for a comfortable evening of watching re-runs of Jersey Shore.

A lot of research and concern is devoted to these SAD folks who need the sun to feel human. But there’s a tiny percentage of the population who have Reverse SAD, or DAS: Disturbed About Sunshine. Oh, there’s a nod and a wink in the research community to the “Summertime Blues,” as SAD scientists chug a few beers after a long day of research and head for the beach, laughing their lab coats off. Try to Google “summertime blues.” Links to songs and tips on how to cope with miserable kids facing going back to school come up.

Not the kind of "summertime blues" I'm experiencing when the sun shines for weeks on end.

Very few people understand my plight or take me seriously. But a plight it is and, oh, it’s serious. Am I a vampire’s love child? I don’t believe so. Am I weird? Well, if being the one person who is standing in the shade with sunglasses and a parasol while everyone is baking out in the sun makes me weird, then yes, I’m weird. But I think my skin thanks me. I know my HSP brain does.

Me at almost 54.

I feel badly for the SAD victims of the world. I just hope that you’ll give me and the 12 other DAS sufferers a little compassion when you’re whooping it up on all those torturous beautiful sunny days.

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 18, 2011.

29 Responses to “Dracula had a baby with Judy Holliday…”

  1. Most people, even the fair skinned, still enjoy the sun and define a “beautiful” day as one that has a blue sky and is sunny. My mom laughs because each time she wakes to a cloudy day, she thinks, “Oh, this is a ‘Lorna Day.'” My definition of a “beautiful” day is one with cloud cover all day, a slight breeze and about 60 degrees. I know I was a bat in a former life!

  2. I think a lot of writers are highly sensitive, perhaps in different ways, but we are a sensitive lot. People who aren’t really don’t understand. Why would they, they are not as sensitive!

    As for the “DAS” I think it has something to do with my Chronic Fatigue/neurological/auto-immune dysfunction condition. Overstimulation of any kind is really tough on me. Bright sunshine hurts my eyes. The flicker of shadows made by the sun as leaves or branches are moved by wind also is quite bothersome. It’s hard for people to understand. The best way to describe it is to try to focus on anything while there is some major distraction happening around you. It’s hard and exhausting! Sunshine, for me, is a major distraction. My brain works really hard to keep the dizziness in the background so I can function normally, so any distraction becomes a real challenge. Same thing for noise and motion.

    Don’t mean to ramble on here. Everyone has their health issues. Relatively speaking, mine is minor. I live a blessed life. To look at me, everyone would think I’m as healthy as a horse (a healthy horse, that is)!

  3. This is very funny, Lorna, but I know underneath all the jokes is someone really suffering from the affects of too much sunshine–no fun. I totally believe it–nothing surprises me about the human condition. And I just noticed the reference to HSPs–I’m one too. Another misunderstood–doesn’t-get-any-respect malady! Damn!

    Gayle ~

  4. Lorna, I have friends that have the same problem. They have fair skin and reddish hair, and they will most likely never get skin cancer. I like the sun but I don’t like to bake in it, so I can understand your point.
    Ray

  5. I’m packing my bags and heading for Scotland! I find the gray days so soft on the eyes and they feel gentle. I know a few of us out there feel the same, but we get grumpy on the endless sunny days.

    Enjoy your time in Florida–don’t forget your sunscreen!

  6. Very funny post. You should come and live in Scotland we get precious little sunshine and as they say here ‘the nights are fair drawing in’. It will soon be dark when I leave for work and dark when I come home. I guess SAD must therefore be a real problem here – and here’s me thinking us Scots were just grumpy folk. As for sunshine I’m with you standing in the shade Lorna. If I go out in the sun my face gets covered in freckles and I go bright red. I’m heading to Florida in October and after 2 weeks my pale Scottish skin will have just started to loose the blue tinge and I will look positively suntanned compared to everyone at home.

  7. Hmmm, let me think back. So much tomato juice hiding all that wonderful vodka… No, my introduction to alcohol was the old whiskey on the gums to soothe a teething baby. Those fangs were brutal!

  8. Well then, let there be dark! I always thought I was a bit weird, but I absolutely love a late fall day in November with a chill in the air, the sky is ash gray overcast, and the trees are newly bare from fallen leaves.

    So now I wonder, as the daughter of Dracula, was your first alcoholic drink a Bloody Mary? 🙂

  9. Someone needs to speak to the WordPress OverLords…

  10. Cave people may have had short life spans, but they looked so young when they died. Of course they were young when they died…

  11. And your skin is quite lovely, if I might add.

  12. I’m in FL, too Isadora – couldn’t stand the cold or the endless gray days. But so far, the sunshine is about all that I love about being here. We should meet some time.

  13. Where’s the “laughing my pants off” button when I need it?

  14. Your comment, Izzy, is spot-on as well! It’s sunny out today and I’ve got all my shades drawn. Viv la difference!

  15. Create? I have it on solid good sketchy authority that Judy Holliday and Count Dracula were seen in the vacinity of Bloodbank Burbank, CA after New Year’s January 1957. 9 months later, I was born. Explain that…

  16. Who knew that Elvira had a pseudonym and was one of the funniest bloggers in the entire blogosphere?

    Just be careful that no one invites you out for a stake dinner.

  17. Yes! I’ve found one of “my people.” There’s 11 more out there somewhere hiding in a dark place…

  18. I too prefer the moonlight to prolonged stretches of uber-bright sunlight. I think that’s because my eyes are so sensitive and I once actually burnt them when we were at the beach….. Other than that I like the sun. But give me a full moon over it any day, with a slight breeze. That’s the stuff.

  19. At least your plight inspired you to create an interesting backstory.

  20. I suffer from SAD (ie: live in Florida due to it) I know, exactly, what you’re talking about but in the oppsosite mode. You are so right when you say people find it amusing. It is a very real illness as is the DAS that you have. It can be crippling. I say go with what your needs are and the h-ll with whether or not people believe it. We are all victims of some issue or another and ilnesses fall right in there.

    The blog is spot-on …. I think that’s British. LOLOL .. ~~~ : – )
    The images with the baby is hilarious. The hospitals love to create mummy’s out of babies … hey, maybe, it’s the Vampire night nurses. LOL
    You my funny-a-day read …
    Love ya … hugs,
    Izzy

  21. Thanks for hanging in there to get to my eventual point. My family tells me I was a bat in a former life because I keep the shades drawn on a sunny day and am so happy when clouds are in the forecast. Trust me, I’ll NEVER retire in Florida or any state that boasts of sunny weather.

    Glad you enjoyed my wonky sense of humor. The baby picture was of me, by the way, too.

  22. I’m so happy that my efforts are paying off! Hope you didn’t wake any neighbors.

    I’ve always got more stuff in the hopper. I think I’ve found my new full time job!

  23. Maybe we were separated at birth…Grrr back at ya! 😉

  24. There’s a lot of research out there and psychologists have a clinical diagnosis for this particular form of depression related to lack of sunshine. There are even special lights for people in the winter and in darker climates. Oh, it’s real alright. Not too many people believe that my condition is real–the reverse. I get overstimulated by the sun. I’m happy on a cloudy day and too many sunny days give me the “blues.” My family jokes that I was a bat in a former life–thus the Dracula reference. I get no respect!

  25. This is my kind of post. I’ve always felt that I was the love child of Dracula and Bette Midler.

  26. Enjoyable read as always, but I’m not sure I should believe you about SAD and DAS. I’m gullible so I probably shouldn’t even be questioning. Me, I don’t think about that stuff. If I feel like sun, I get some sun. If I feel like being in the shade, I stay in the shade. Just don’t give it a lot of thought. However, I like to be cool, (which I am) so I would never be in the sun for very long unless I’m being cooled somehow, like riding a SeaDoo for example. I’m in the sun getting burned and overexposed to ozone or gamma rays or whatever, but I’m staying cool because water is spraying up on me and cooling me down. I’m not sure where I was going with this. Just confirm that there is or isn’t a bonified condition called SAD.

  27. Lorna, you are very innovative and creative and HEY I’ve always wanted to be the son of Dracula, you’re lucky.. Grrr 😀

  28. Loving your words and your photos…the timing and placement is flawless! I’m playing catch up with some your earlier posts and you had me laughing out loud at 1:30am last night…much needed after a stressful day. More please!

  29. LMAO! Lorna, where oh where do you get those thoughts from. I didnt know what to expect when I read the title. It got more and more bizarre with every photo. I almost feel down laughing. You are a awesome!

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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