My son never missed an episode of Sesame Street.

I haven’t been to Sesame Street since my son outgrew Big Bird, Elmo, Oscar, the Cookie Monster, and the Count. Apparently things have changed in “the hood.”

The “news” that nuptials may be in the works for long time pals, Bert and Ernie caught my attention. Wow! I knew they were friends–but friends with those kinds of benefits? The possibility just never crossed my mind.

These are Muppets, not humans, right?

Were Bert and Ernie finally coming out of the muppet closet because of the legalization of marriage in NYS? Was this yet another effort by PBS to be more inclusive and teach children tolerance? Or was this a way to distract the masses from real new news stories about things that matter–like war, riots, joblessness, global economic and environmental  meltdown, and the vacuum of good ideas for new reality TV shows for the fall?

What Bert and Ernie do in their private time (when a person doesn’t have their hand stuck up their pants), is their business–not ours. If they were running for Mayor of Sesame Street, well, that might be a different story…

Should we check Bert and Ernie's voting record? Can Muppets vote?

Here’s some fake news about some other Sesame Street characters that may take the spotlight off these two buddies who just happen to be long-time roommates, sleep in the same room (but in different beds), squabble, have make-up hugs, and plan outings together. I’m not helping their case am I?

Big Bird: He was just arrested in an undercover National Wildlife Federation operation, leaking intel to some hunters about the nesting grounds of the endangered Bald Eagle. He hates to be up-staged by these national treasures.

Mr. Fudd turned State's Evidence against Big Bird and is now in the Federal Witless (not a typo) Protection Program.

Elmo: He is on the 10 Most Wanted Muppet List for wandering the streets of Sesame, begging to be tickled by anyone. His lack of discretion in accepting any tickle-partner is disturbing, as are his uncontrollable giggles.

Here he is, using the Internet to lure innocent tickle partners into his kinky giggle games.

The Cookie Monster: He has been  the subject of a joint sting operation by the FDA and by the local Nutrition Police. He is believed to be one of the major contributors to the child obesity epidemic in America.

Something's wrong. What would Cookie Monster do? Toss this sucker in Oscar's garbage can and grab a platter of cookies, that's what!

The Count: There are enough creepy guys lurking in dark places. We don’t need one that appears to be helpful, then luring young children into a false sense of security and improving their already uncanny preschool math abilities.

Ukay, boyz und girlz. Ze Count can't schpell, but letz have you count backvardz from 10 to 1 vile I wrap you in my large cape and put you to sleep.

Rosita, Zoe, and Abby: These 3 token females were added well after my son stopped watching the program. They’re portrayed as ditzy, fairy-like creatures who are only good for one thing. None of them will become rocket surgeons.

These females are there to attract male viewers, like the women from Bay Watch. Well, look at them; not exactly like the women from Bay Watch.

Oscar: He’s a classic example of what a bad attitude and lack of motivation get you–garbage.

I wanted to be Big Bird's stunt double, but, no. They said I wasn't yellow enough. I hate yellow and don't like taking risks, anyway. You're on your own Big Bird!

So even if Bert and Ernie are friends with benefits, they’re in a committed relationship and are happy most of the time. A pretty good lesson for all of us.

But the best lesson of all: THEY ARE NOT HUMAN! The news is focusing on a story about muppet sexual preference. That, my friends, is the only thing about the story that’s newsworthy. Google it. You’ll be amazed…

CBS News (October 26)

NY Daily News (August 9)

Huffington Post (August 10)

My Fox Boston (August 11)

NY Post (August 12)