What's in her glass? It bubbles. It could be seltzer water...Boo-boo-pee-doo! Ooh!

Okay, I drink–if you count filtered water and herbal tea. A girl’s gotta keep hydrated.

But I want to celebrate. How do most people celebrate? By drinking alcohol, that’s how.  That option is off the table for me…unless I want to be under the table after 30 years of sobriety. Yeah, no. Been there. Done that.

Oh no, not again! And look at the dust bunnies under here...

Seltzer water is a fine substitute. Don’t snicker, all you social drinkers who’d rather shake it up and hose your co-workers with the stuff than drink a celebratory toast with it. I reached a completely arbitrary goal yesterday and I want to make a toast with something bubbly that won’t get me toasted.

Seltzer: refreshing in so many ways.

On June 8, 2011, I launched this blog. I was a blogging dolt. My only goal at the time was to have someone in the publishing world notice my clever posts before I dropped dead. I was going to ease gently into the pool of social networking, starting with the shallow end.

I tried to look the part, but I felt like a fish out of water. No, wait. Wrong analogy...

On June 9, one of my posts, “To Be Honest With You,” got noticed by the WordPress Overlords and it was selected to be “Freshly Pressed.” It would have been great if I had known what that meant, but I didn’t (hence, Blog Dolt). I thought that this was just something WordPress did for all new bloggers (hence, Queen of Blog Dolts).

Dude. Like I'm blown away that you, like, were so, like...clueless.

I got 3,600+ views and 50+ subscribers on one day. So much for easing gently into the pool. I was blogging 4-5 hours a day. My new job was writing this blog and keeping up with other great bloggers.

Do I look like Super Woman? How does everyone else manage to keep up with their life, their appearance and their blog?

Blogs, blogging, bloggers, blog-a-rific: these were the words popping out of my mouth at family gatherings, lunches with friends, cocktail parties, funerals. Ideas for posts were everywhere. I was passionate about my new calling; others worried about OCD, suggested therapy and tried to change the subject.

I choose not to see it as a yawn, but as a deep, contemplative breath to absorb my blog-related discourse.

When I told my nephew that my blog “mysteriously” went viral (see how quickly I picked up cyber-speak?), he said blogs that have 10,000+ hits get noticed by “sponsors” and I could make a lot of money. Money wasn’t my goal; a publisher begging me to sign a book deal, however, was. So, 10,000 views in 3 months became my arbitrary goal.

To Do List:

  1. Generate 10,000 views by August 9
  2. Publishing industry discovers and adores me
  3. Publishing industry publishes my not-yet-written book
  4. Ellen and The Daily Show book me to engage in witty repartee about my imaginary book and real blogging
  5. Remain humble and grounded while wealth accumulates

Yesterday, August 7, Lorna’s Voice hit over 10,000 views–1 day shy of its debut 3 months ago.

Rhonda Byrne, author of “The Secret”, would say that achieving this goal is proof of the power of manifestation. I say it’s proof of countless hours of writing and editing, of developing a network of amazing bloggers who care enough about my zany life to keeping checking in, and of dumb luck.

Actually, I found that old key while walking Scrappy. The rest is history.

So I’m raising a glass of seltzer water to all of you who made this possible and to my voice, finally unleashed.

I don't know what you're drinking, but The Queen of Blog Dolts is getting all bubbly inside with her seltzer water!

If any of you know anyone in interested in publishing a quirky memoir, please direct them my way…

Publishers: tired of searching for a fresh voice? This is your lucky day!