Help! I'm drowning in a sea of bad news...glug glug...glug...blurp...

I dislike the news. Like “Reality TV”, news is a choreographed train wreck with lots of gore and drama meant to both scare and entertain us.

An “aw-shucks” positive story pops up for a 2-minute segment; but that blip of feel-goodness just isn’t worth the horror that precedes it. It’s kind of like a quick orgasm after sitting through a really bad porno film (or so I’m told).

This is my general reaction to porn, news, and "reality TV." They're all the same, aren't they?

But sometimes the news is hard to avoid. I watch “around it” to see the weather forecast. Don’t ask me why. I know meteorology is as much of an exact science as astrology. I also scan the internet for odd news stories  looking for something funny to share.

Seems quite accurate for once.

Here’s a sampling of evidence that strange things are happening in America, which portends one of two things: we’re headed for annihilation and this is just practice for Doomsday OR the summer heat is making us a danger to ourselves and others.

  1. Manure Truck Makes a Big Splash. A tanker carrying manure crashed into a building, ejecting its contents far and wide. While no one was hurt, it caused a big stink and missed a pizza parlor by a couple 100 feet. They reopened the next day. Yummy.

    An eye-witness to the accident says, "I saw her comin' down the hill headin' straight for the pizza joint. Lucky she broke ta da right before the s**t hit the wall."

  2. Man Can’t Resist Wearing Bunny Suit in Heat Wave. An Idaho man was freaking out neighborhood children by wearing a big bunny suit and hiding behind a tree. It’s not Easter and what’s up with hiding behind a tree? Isn’t it hot enough for you Mr. Bunny Suit Man? A Baked Potato Suit…now, that I can understand.

    "Hey, Kid, wanna carrot? No! Don't run away. I ain't strange. Call me Miss Understood Seeking Shade."

  3. Snake Hitches a Ride.A Memphis family spied the freeloader as he slithered up the windshield from underneath the hood. They just kept driving and the boy in the car said, “cool.” Did they not see “Snakes on a Plane?”

    Oh, you silly snakes! You just show up in the most unlikely places.

  4. Somebody Got Nap-Time Mixed Up. An 8-year old boy was stopped by the police for his erratic driving while his drunken father slept in the passenger seat like a baby. I wonder if he was properly secured in his car seat? They were on the Louisiana Interstate highway–more lanes, less accuracy needed, right?

    No, Sir, I don't know why you pulled me over. I was doing my best to stay inside the yellow lines.

  5. Local Stores Run Out of Air Fresheners, Local Woman Missing for 2 Months. It took two months, really? You’d think someone would have gotten suspicious or sick of the smell. These are not observant people. Note to self, don’t vacation in Mesa, AZ.

    If he's in Mesa, AZ, good luck, Waldo. It was nice knowing you.

  6. Couple Had Sex in Public Pool for 30 Minutes. Yes, it took onlookers half an hour to make sure that these lovers (39 and 40) were actually doing the “dirty” in the pool before calling the manager. Chlorine levels were dangerously high the following day. See what happens when you’re a tattle-tale?

    Can you believe what those two are doing in there? Are you sure they're doing "It?" Let's watch a while longer just to be sure.

I admit that I have no common sense, but I’m having less and less faith in the general population (and let’s not get started on the politicians that represent us).

What's that they say about history repeating itself?

There's only so many things you can take off when you're hot. At least I'm prepared for Doomsday.

So look around. Are we headed for inevitable annihilation due to our own ineptitude and lack of judgement, or will sanity and salvation creep back once the mercury begins to fall?

It will get cooler, won’t it?