I dislike the news. Like “Reality TV”, news is a choreographed train wreck with lots of gore and drama meant to both scare and entertain us.
An “aw-shucks” positive story pops up for a 2-minute segment; but that blip of feel-goodness just isn’t worth the horror that precedes it. It’s kind of like a quick orgasm after sitting through a really bad porno film (or so I’m told).
But sometimes the news is hard to avoid. I watch “around it” to see the weather forecast. Don’t ask me why. I know meteorology is as much of an exact science as astrology. I also scan the internet for odd news stories looking for something funny to share.
Here’s a sampling of evidence that strange things are happening in America, which portends one of two things: we’re headed for annihilation and this is just practice for Doomsday OR the summer heat is making us a danger to ourselves and others.
- Manure Truck Makes a Big Splash. A tanker carrying manure crashed into a building, ejecting its contents far and wide. While no one was hurt, it caused a big stink and missed a pizza parlor by a couple 100 feet. They reopened the next day. Yummy.
- Man Can’t Resist Wearing Bunny Suit in Heat Wave. An Idaho man was freaking out neighborhood children by wearing a big bunny suit and hiding behind a tree. It’s not Easter and what’s up with hiding behind a tree? Isn’t it hot enough for you Mr. Bunny Suit Man? A Baked Potato Suit…now, that I can understand.
- Snake Hitches a Ride.A Memphis family spied the freeloader as he slithered up the windshield from underneath the hood. They just kept driving and the boy in the car said, “cool.” Did they not see “Snakes on a Plane?”
- Somebody Got Nap-Time Mixed Up. An 8-year old boy was stopped by the police for his erratic driving while his drunken father slept in the passenger seat like a baby. I wonder if he was properly secured in his car seat? They were on the Louisiana Interstate highway–more lanes, less accuracy needed, right?
- Local Stores Run Out of Air Fresheners, Local Woman Missing for 2 Months. It took two months, really? You’d think someone would have gotten suspicious or sick of the smell. These are not observant people. Note to self, don’t vacation in Mesa, AZ.
- Couple Had Sex in Public Pool for 30 Minutes. Yes, it took onlookers half an hour to make sure that these lovers (39 and 40) were actually doing the “dirty” in the pool before calling the manager. Chlorine levels were dangerously high the following day. See what happens when you’re a tattle-tale?
I admit that I have no common sense, but I’m having less and less faith in the general population (and let’s not get started on the politicians that represent us).
So look around. Are we headed for inevitable annihilation due to our own ineptitude and lack of judgement, or will sanity and salvation creep back once the mercury begins to fall?
It will get cooler, won’t it?
Aug 09, 2011 @ 11:49:32
Sometimes he goes over the top, but the only way I can handle the news is when it’s presented in comedic form.
Aug 09, 2011 @ 10:00:27
I do get a good laugh and some reality from the daily show Jon Stewart.
Aug 08, 2011 @ 12:08:47
I love it! What passes for news and even news “experts” borders on insane. News “personalities” are spewing their opinions and then these opinions are presented as facts, as if these news entertainers were political scientists or economists or even sociologists. They conjecture about what might happen, and that’s the “news.” Laughable (if it weren’t taken so seriously by the viewing public)…
Aug 08, 2011 @ 12:05:16
I think there should be at least one “Good News” station on cable. What do you think? I bet it would be a hit!
Aug 08, 2011 @ 11:56:08
Amen on that one.
Aug 08, 2011 @ 10:17:59
Lorna, I can’t watch the news either, I get way to upset listening to the tripe. My wife thinks I am a lot happier not watching the bull.
Ray
Aug 08, 2011 @ 09:52:28
I enjoyed your take on the news, which has a lot of truth in it. Back in the the early days of BBc radio the announcer said, “This is the six O’clock news. There is no news today so a short period of music will follow”. The CEO of the BBC had decided nothing had happened which was worth reporting on that day. Can you imagine that happening now!!
Aug 08, 2011 @ 07:34:17
Yeah, if anything changes, it only gets worse…
Aug 08, 2011 @ 00:23:56
We’re pretty much doomed is the translation I get from watching the news. I have to take breaks, however. But to begin watching it again is pretty much like picking up where I left off a week or two prior. Nothing changes much.
Aug 07, 2011 @ 15:40:00
This all started with a local news story about the manure truck. How likely is that to happen? And The pizza shop owner (not mentioned in the article, but interviewed on the TV news) was proud to say how quickly he reopened, but that the smell was still bad because the manure splatter hadn’t been cleaned up yet in the adjacent buildings. Geez!
Aug 07, 2011 @ 15:35:31
HI Tara! So glad you liked the post and commented. Yeah, what’s up with the bunny outfit in triple-digit temps?
Aug 07, 2011 @ 15:33:35
Yeah, I thought that that it was a riot that the people in the pool wait for so long to call the manager. Then she waits for the police to get there. You can’t make this stuff up!
Aug 07, 2011 @ 15:31:45
Yes it is, and more frightening, too.
Aug 07, 2011 @ 15:31:07
You are way too kind, Aurora. Thanks so much. I’ve gotten slightly better at perusing Google Images, but it does take a long time. And then, putting in a good caption…oy! The work.
Aug 07, 2011 @ 13:53:17
What astonishes me about your pages is your ability to find such terrific photos to accompany your humour. It would take me a hundred years to produce such a comical and entertaining read with pictorials, LOL Thanks for the never ending giggles. See you again very soon. Just as soon as I can see straight through the sweat gushing into my eyeballs (joking lol)
Aug 07, 2011 @ 13:20:05
Love this. I search the news for tidbits like this to inspire poetry or short stories. Reality is truly stranger than fiction.
Aug 07, 2011 @ 12:31:24
Sex for half an hour in the pool? Half an hour? In front of all those other folks right there with them? I’m guessing that puts the guy in what, the 99th percentile for lasting that long before, er… never mind. So there is an upside to watching the news! If they were watching the news, chances are they caught a Cialis commercial and were just testing out the 4 hour thingie. Better living through prescription drugs and all.
I love visiting your blog. It always puts a smile on my face. 🙂
Aug 07, 2011 @ 11:34:33
This is hilarious! I hope it cools off soon because I don’t want to find a creepy man in a bunny costume in my neighborhood…great post 🙂
Aug 07, 2011 @ 11:14:03
I’m another one who can’t resist occasionally dedicating a blog to the many misfits among us. My category “They did what? awards” is devoted solely to those hapless souls who delight us with their stupidity. Funny stuff Lorna.
Aug 06, 2011 @ 16:26:35
I really should be doing laundry or something equally boring. But these silly ideas keep popping into my head and I simply can’t help myself. The one thing about laundry and dust–it’s patient and will wait for me. I feel like my loyal blog followers will lose interest if I don’t keep the posts coming regularly. (It’s that old insecure Lorna that’s still lingering, I suppose…).
I’m glad you enjoyed this post. It all started with the local story about the manure truck…
Aug 06, 2011 @ 16:09:43
Really, sex for 30mins in a public pool! Hell it wasn’t in Scotland then where we do have outdoor pools – somewhere (and they ain’t heated) . Don’t think people would complain though, more like give them a round of applause. Of course it wouldn’t happen in certain parts of Scotland where ‘fun’s forbidden’ I think.
Funny post, thank you – you must spend ages on this stuff.
I really enjoy reading your blogs, it’s a pleasure when a new post from you pops into my in box. Keep them coming.
Jacqueline