Scrappy vs. Kamikaze Kat

Does this look like the face of a dog who is pleased to have to be sharing a story about getting whooped by a cat?

Scrappy, my Terrier-Terrier-Terrier-Something Mix has a bone to pick with Kamikaze Kat–a neighbor’s giant Maine Coon Tomcat. Scrappy would really like to pick Kamikaze Kat’s bones, but venting will have to suffice because New York law protects cat-instigated violence, but throws the book at dogs that show too many teeth while smiling. I’ve asked Scrappy to keep his language civil as he tells his story. (His therapist said doing this will help him get over the trauma).

NOTE: I’m translating from Scrappy-Speak to English, so bear with me. Here goes…

Hi. My name is Scrappy, or as everyone knows me around here, “Adorable, Cutest Dog in the Hood, Happy Scrappy.”

I was on duty Monday at 6:30 pm, doing a Periphery Scan of my territory, which happens to be the whole condo complex. Always the perfect law-abiding citizens, my Humans had me on my leash (they say it’s for my own good, but they tell themselves a lot of silly things) and were armed with those strange plastic poop bags. Why do they pick up my poop? You’d think they would have better things to do than collect my recyclables, especially when I leave them there for others to enjoy. Oh well, I digress.

I was prancing happily along the sidewalk when something caught my eye. At first, I thought it was a racoon. But a quick sniff told me it was a cat. I know what to do with cats. I’m I dog and darned proud of it! There was a man standing near this extra-large cat, but he was uninteresting. I stopped to assess the situation as I do on all Periphery Scans. Should I lunge or just give the cat a good “I’m the boss of you” stare?

Just this look got these dogs under my complete control...

I didn’t have time to decide. The cat sprung into action. It got twice as big and it came barreling toward us. I would’ve stayed there and showed him why my name is “Scrappy,” but my Humans were tugging at me to make a quick get-away. Kamikaze Kat was chasing us for several 100 feet. He was hissing, my Humans were shouting and did some hissing of their own. I was impressed as I was being dragged along. But we weren’t quick enough. Kamikaze Kat got one lightning-fast, razor-sharp swipe on my nose. He drew blood.

Be afraid, be very afraid...

That’s when I decided to let my Humans do what they do best: take care of me.

To Kamikaze Kat: you’d better stay inside and stop terrorizing terriers. I heard my Humans talking about carrying spray bottles on our walks.

Well, you brought this on yourself. Not feeling so King-of-the-Jungle now, are you?

To Kamikaze Kat’s Handler: Stop letting your cats watch those nature programs where big game cats take down animals 3 times their size. You’re only giving them delusions of grandeur that make them behave inappropriately for a residential neighborhood.

Watch something more down-to-earth like The Real Housewives of Anywhere. They're catty but don't generally draw blood.

To My Humans: Thank you for tending to my wound, giving me extra treats, and getting me that appointment with the pet therapist/communicator. PPTSD (Puppy Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) shouldn’t be ignored.

My Humans cleaned my wound and tucked me safely in bed. I love my Humans.

To You Readers: Thanks for listening. It’s not easy for a dog to admit he got beaten up by a cat, even if it was a giant cat on steroids named “Grumpy.”

There's Grumpy, just waiting for his next meal--a small child or perhaps a Prius--anything that can't outrun him from a dead stop.

Now, I think I’ll go take a nap and dream of kicking Kamikaze Kat’s keester…

Sincerely, Scrappy

~ by Lorna's Voice on August 3, 2011.

25 Responses to “Scrappy vs. Kamikaze Kat”

  1. […] was early in August that Scrappy was attacked by Kamikaze Kat. Being the fearless terrier-terrier-terrier-something that my eleven-year-old […]

  2. Scrappy couldn’t agree with you more!

  3. One more strike against cats in my book!..not that I needed one.

  4. Thanks, Scrappy just begged me to tell this one. His doggy therapist said it was the only way for him to process the trauma that Kamikaze Kat caused him. By the way, his wound his healing nicely…

  5. Love a good story told by a dog. What fun you are 🙂 And, of course, Happy Scrappy

  6. I never thought about gang colors! I’m so not the ubran-gangsta-girl. And Scrappy has proven himself not to be ready for life in an action-packed hood. Dear me, where is Sherrif Andy Taylor when you need him?

  7. So I suppose it wouldn’t be an insult to Scrappy if someone said, “Yo mamma wears combat boots!”? All very good advice, but I have to wait until the temperature drops below 70. I hope Kamikaze Kat has his sites set on that green Prius that parks nearby at least until fall…

  8. Our poor Scrap-a-licious. I told your mom to kick the cat but she lamented that she was not dressed for combat. I told her to be more prepared next time, weapons belt, combat boots, weapons locked and loaded. A flack jacket might not be a bad idea once it gets cooler. Good luck on your next trip out. I love you. Aunt Tina

  9. Looks like Scrappy is a lover not a fighter. Mr. Kamikaze Kat doesn’t seem to appreciate that.
    I believe Scrappy’s red collar might have been the wrong color for the hood.

    Chuckling and smiling abou this one ….
    Toodles,
    Izzy

  10. Bleach, vinnegar, Agent Orange…that cat was SCAREY!

  11. And I thought I had thoroughly vetted my neighborhood before moving here…

  12. Very amusing. Violence in the hood takes many forms Ha Ha

  13. Poor Scrappy, unfortunately I don’t think Scrappy has a chance. Cats are too quick with their paws. I like the idea of a spray bottle with a little bleach in it.
    Ray

  14. Too funny. If I’d gotten between Kamikaze Kat and Scrappy, I be looking like that now! I’ve never seen such an aggressive cat in my life–and totally unprovoked. The owner never tried to stop him nor did he express any concern about Scrappy. The nerve!

  15. Scrappy and I never thought we’d be getting into gang violence in our hood, but desperate times call for desperate measures! Send over your cats. Scrappy needs all the help he can get. That Maine Coon is crazy! But make sure they have their “game-on” face ready..;)

  16. Next time you’ll kick some cat-ass, Scrappy! I have faith that your mommy will be providing some martial art lessons so as to give you that edge. And if you need some assistance, let me know and I’ll send my 2 cats over to take care of that big bad Maine Coon!

  17. I feel for Scrappy – I’m not much of a cat person myself. Perhaps this is why:

    Cats are friendly??? Are you kidding???

  18. Scrappy wants your number. I’ll put it on his bone-phone’s autodial and let him handle it from there. I want complete deniablity since I’m a Buddhist and technically should not be involved in endorsing any violence.

  19. Thanks, Derek. Scrappy thanks you, too. He shares your suspicion of felines.

  20. Yeah, I called the police and that’s what they said–no laws on the books regarding cats misbehaving. I was appalled, especially since I was once bitten by a cat and got “cat scratch fever.” The cat was quaranteened for a month, but that was it. I had to have IV antibiotics and the fun of an immobilized hand for 2 months.

  21. Scrappy thanks you for your empathy! I thank you for commenting. It seems it’s not just my past life that is interesting from time to time…

  22. Poor Scrappy! Makes me want to kick that cat’s keester too. I laughed out loud at the part about the poop, because I’ve always kind of wondered what dogs think when people do that : ).

  23. As a long time terrier care-taker, lover, I’m outraged. First of all, what’s with the State ignoring the vile attacks of a feline nature? Just adds to my feeling of disdain toward government bullies. Second, poor little Scrappy. I think you should take up Big Al’s offer to get connected.

    I love your humor.

  24. Felines are the devil. Sometimes, my cat sits on my floor watching me sleep. Never blinks. Never. Blinks.
    great post.

  25. LMAO! This needs to be featured on the TV show “Rogue Nature”.

    Have Scrappy give me a call, I know a guy who knows a guy whose cousin knows about a “hit dog” operation. Scrappy’s name will never be mentioned.

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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