It Was All in the Genes and the Jeans, The End

Hey, Sugar, do you want to buy this girl a drink?

Did Lorna become an alcoholic prostitute with surprisingly proper grammar or did she find redemption?

My high school years were productive, not reproductive. This was due to my boyfriend’s responsible but begrudging use of condoms and my blood-alcohol level confusing the dickens out of my reproductive cycle. My eggs were probably passed out in my ovaries.

My eggs after a night of drinking with me.

By day, I was Super Teen: doing my chores, being polite to my elders, innocently socializing with girlfriends, getting straight-As in school, and was involved in numerous and inexplicable school clubs–

The Ski club–I didn’t ski because I wanted to live to become an adult with all my limbs in tact;

They didn't have enough room on the bus for my ski equipment--and I needed all of this for my safety. Sitting in the lodge drinking hot toddies was illegal, but way less work.

The Bowling Club–I was neither competitive nor athletic and there’s nothing more competitive than people in goofy shoes trying to look athletic as they wing a 20 pound ball at 10 innocent tippy bottle-shaped gizmos at the end of a high-glossed wooden alley-way;

Bowling Club members were enthusiastic. Was it the thrill of the elusive Strike, the bags of M & M's and cans of Pepsi, or the absence of mirrors that fueled their zeal?

Library Club–Okay, that one made some sense;

The Chess Club–The game seemed odd and I had no interest in learning the difference between a “rook” and a “thief,” or was it a “knight?” Maybe I thought it was the Chest Club.

I don't think Spock even cared about the game. He was just placating the Captain when there weren't any aliens to outsmart or seduce.

Varsity Cheerleader–Given that I am directionally challenged (“left” and “right” befuddle me) and couldn’t manage a cart-wheel, I believe my bouncing breasts made it on the squad. I just came with the package. The fact that I could spell (“Give me an “S!”) may have helped, too.

Like "Brandi," I was a cheerleader who excelled at standing still. Jumping up and down was also a crowd-pleaser. Brandi, you know what I mean...

I was a member of the National Honor Society, Editor of my Senior Yearbook and, get this, the Valedictorian of my graduating class. That was by day.

By night, I was Super Sloshed. When I was on my way to Black-Out Land, I was funny, flirty, and could be talked into just about anything. Just about… I don’t remember most of what happened because I was drunk. I know I was never injured, pregnant, or involved in a bank heist. How do I know? No sirens. Maybe my hair got a bit messy and my bra wasn’t always affixed properly, but these could be fixed without police involvement before I got home.

Go ahead. You won't find me in any state or federal criminal data base--not even under my alias, Angelique.

I went to college, but nothing close to Valedictorian League. I went to my local state university. My Guidance Counselor wasn’t what you’d call a “go getter.” He mostly did substitute teaching. When I asked for guidance he gave me the Dictionary of Occupational Titles and left to get a cup of coffee. No one encouraged me to apply to “name” universities and I didn’t feel confident enough to do it without encouragement. Plus I wanted to stay near my future husband–the guy I got drunk for so he could have sex.

They seemed like the perfect couple, right?

I left home when I was 18 to begin my life as a responsible adult. I had my own apartment, my own future husband, and my own drinking problem. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from college, so I wasn’t a total derelict, but I was far from redemption.

Maybe being passed out next to my textbooks helped me absorb the necessary materials to ace my exams.

My future husband broke up with me in my senior year of college. Six years of drinking and sex went down the drain.

I never could resist a good pun.

What happens next to Single Forlorn Lorna? I feel another series coming on…

~ by Lorna's Voice on July 25, 2011.

30 Responses to “It Was All in the Genes and the Jeans, The End”

  1. The trick is to keep ’em guessing, right? Thanks for the comment–you help me know I’m doing something right!

  2. Aah! The best way to give out your whole life in 20 lines!Well done with the teasers!;P

  3. Aah! The best way to give out your whole life in 20 lines!Well done with the teaser lines!:)

  4. Funny story: Every semster I got all A’s and one B, except the last semester of college. During one semester in which I took Calculus 2 and some other tough courses, I also took Human Sexuality. Guess which class I got the “B” in. Yup, Human Sexuality! And that was the class my boyfriend met the girl he dumped me for. I hated Human Sexuality for quite a long time!

    I really do appreciate your comments about these memoir pieces. Hopefully they will be coming to a bookstore near you before bookstores are a thing of the past.

  5. You never cease to surprise with your two punch endings. This is a great recollection of your past years. Isn’t it fab to have learned so much in such a short time??? Looks like you done a lot of learnin’ Ms. Lorna…!!!


    P.S. Very impressed with managing to accomplish Valedictorian and Magna Cum Laude … Congrats on your high standards.

  6. Well, smart and motivated, I suppose…But I sure sacrificed a lot of brain cells back in those days. Imagine what I could have accomplished if I had all those brain cells back and the self-esteem to put them to good use! Thanks for supporting me, Linda!

  7. You are very smart, you know. That’s how you did it all!

  8. Oh, I wasn’t perfect, but thanks for saying so. Yes, you will hear much more about my continuing adventures… Thanks for reading and commenting!

  9. Lorna, you may be able to fool the other readers, but I know your modesty prevents you from admitting that the “Brandi” picture is really you.

    I’ve missed a few blogs while on vacation but this was just the one I needed to get jump started again. Hilarious as always.

  10. You sound like you were the perfect teen! Sorry to hear about Mr future Husband, but hope that in the next article we get to know what happens!
    Thanks for the great read!
    Eva D

  11. I really don’t know how I pulled it off. I think it was a mixture of people around me not ever looking for signs of anything wrong because I was so “good” and me just wanting to please my mom and teachers enough to gather my senses to pull off the A’s. Divine Intervention? I can’t explain it!

  12. “Work in progess”–that’s for sure! I wonder how I managed to survive, let alone accomplish some of the stuff I did! At least it makes for an interesting story…and one that I am ready to tell. Thanks for being so supportive and willing to read my about this zany life of mine, which I suspect isn’t s different from many others’ lives…

  13. You were a super teen and now you’re a super crazy chick. Everyone has a journey … you’re a beautiful work in progress 🙂

  14. You were one busy lady! Valedictorian….and managed to have social drinking life, that deserves a medal. May not be appropriate but still deserved.

  15. I am astonished at how my story resonnates with others (now that I am brave enough to share it). Thanks for validating my experience and my writing. I promise more is coming…

  16. Lorna, I think we had the same guidance counselor. I ended up in some teacher’s college in Las Vegas, NEW MEXICO! learning to be a history teacher. I only lasted a year and a semester, as my girlfriend didn’t know how to keep the eggs passed out in her ovaries….and the swimmers were unaffected by the amount of alcohol I consumed during that time.

    Series, please, series.

  17. I am very much looking forward to this. Write on, Lorna… (I can’t resist puns either)

  18. Lorna, did you ever wonder if you were going to make it out alive?

  19. You’re right, Phil. This isn’t the end of my story, only the end of this little segment about my trip, stumble, and fall from grace and into the bottle all because I wanted to please a guy. But no one knew I had a drinking problem–I was a good little actress! It sets up many more series about my young adult years, marriage, motherhood, career, chronic illness, and …
    So stay tuned. You are watching my memoir carve itself into a real manuscript–story by story; series by series.

  20. Everybody has their amazing story–mine is maybe different in the details, but not in the fact that we all face challenges and have to figure out how to navigate the life we are living. Thanks for the complement, and thanks even more for being interested enough in my stories to read them and comment on them.

  21. You have lived, is all I can say. I would be a plain Jane, like outdated wallpaper next to you. These are good reflections though and you haven’t exactly suffered, being as accomplished as you are.

  22. I loved everything about this great story except the title. The End? Bah! Clearly this is not even close to the end, as I suspect there are many more stories to be told along this line. Many more.

    You have a real gift with words, making them funny and refreshingly touching at the same time. It may very well be that it was all *in* the genes and jeans, but I’m hoping you’ll let them all out. Nice reading you!

  23. It’s in the making…Thanks so much egging me on!

  24. For sure! When I turned 18, it was expected that I leave home and become independent. I don’t even remember a discussion about it (but to be fair, there are lots of things that I don’t remember about those years! 😉 ). My life has been an interesting journey and I am so happy to be sharing it with wonderful souls like you!

  25. I’m glad you enjoyed this installment of my wacky but true adventures. Writing about my fall from grace into alcoholism and about my reliance on others (especially males) for validation is not easy, but it is part of my journey. Writing it with a light-heart hopefully helps others who may have similar experiences see that it is possible not be victimized by your past. I embrace all of it as the collection of experiences that created who I am today!

  26. Thanks so much, Molly! Being a good student came quite naturally. Being good to myself is a trick that I am just beginning to master. It only took me 53 years!

  27. Thoroughly enjoyed the journey and humour – the art of living is to LIVE and you did, and obviously do with la verve, Lorna. Appears you may yet graduate in that module – Living la Vida Loca – Magna cum laude, cheers catchul8r molly

  28. loved this. Can’t wait for the next installment of whatever you write.

  29. Can’t wait for the next installment! 🙂

  30. Love your jeans and your genes, you are a unique scribe and always manage to leave me laughing, even through the challenges of your earth walk. I, too, left home early but don’t you think that may have formed a huge part of our overall life experience in as much as we have so many more experiential years to write about, well, some of us do LOL Thanks for the read and the funnies 🙂

Silence can be just what the doctor ordered. You know I'm a doctor, right?

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