I’ve Walked For Your Cure. Will You Walk For Mine?
I’m sorry. I just get so verklempt when I think of all the selfless things I do to help other people. Also, I forgot my reading glasses and crying always works to distract an audience.
Over the years, I’ve been very generous. And charitably mobile. I’ve donated significant amounts of money to organizations raising money to end the suffering of countless souls; and I’ve laced up my sneakers and risked the suffering of my only soles to walk in unity with legions of others, all hoping for new T-shirts puffed up with humble pride of selfless humanitarianism. (Translation: I walked for lots of causes and paid for the privilege.)
So, you want specifics, huh? What am I, running for President or something? Fine!
NOTE: (Each of these conditions affect either a family member or friend, so I take them serious. This post is in the spirit of zany good-funniness.)
- The Alzheimer’s Disease Association. I’ve raised money and walked for them on a number of occasions, but don’t quote me on the exact figures. I’m a little fuzzy on the details…
- The National Heart Association. I’m gravely concerned about the heartlessness of many Americans, that’s why everyone who has a heart should care about those who don’t.
- The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. This is a serious condition and any hint of making fun of it would make people gag, so I just won’t do it.
- The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Their annual walk is held during the hottest day of the summer. At high noon. They must use their swarms of psychic cats and an unusually literate parrot to pick the date in advance. As I panted profusely during one walk, I pondered the irony of potential heat stroke and their organization’s mission. I love irony, but not when it endangers my comfort. I send them a check each year and keep my pup with me in the AC.
Reggie! I should have known he would work with the SPCA to pick a hot steamy day for their walk. He was a tropical bird and he told me he wanted to be their mascot. Never trust a parrot…
News flash! I have some health problems of my own. But where is the walk to raise money for what ails me? These conditions need “The Cure,” too, you know. If you care and want to help, I have some handy tips for each promising possible doubtful are-you-off-your-meds-again? charity walk:
- Plantar’s Warts. I’m sure Dr. Scholls would be a willing sponsor. Sure, the walk will be slow and there might be lots of complaining about sore feet, but that describes just about all “walk for The Cure” charity events.
- Chronic Fatigue. This walk will be difficult to organize. Finding people to attend will be an even greater challenge. Chronically fatigued people aren’t exactly known for their get-up-and-go. They’ll be no help organizing the walk. Speaking from experience, I won’t feel up to walking that day. Offering free shots of B-12 with a chaser of Red-Bull might draw some people in, but you may have to arrange for a shuttle service to pick up your walkers, drive them around the course, then bring them back home. Still, it sounds like way too much work to me.
Yah ha. This is my idea of a walk…
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Okay. Stop snickering. First, you’ll need lots of Port-a-Potties along the walking route. Second, make it a short route and be ready for fast walkers. Third, no one will want to be at the head of the pack during the walk due to the “being downwind” issue. Over come these issues and the walk should be a blast.
- Hemorrhoids. Again with the snickering. This is serious. Have you ever had hemorrhoids? Have you ever tried to correctly spell hemorrhoids? It’s not easy to live with this condition nor will it be easy to have posters without spelling errors or rude graffiti. The walk route should have plenty of Tucks medicated pads for immediate relief of symptoms brought on my the charity walk. And, for the Love of Pete, look away when people dig at their butts. You will want your privacy when your time comes.
There is something wrong with this picture. Most of us carry our hemorrhoids inside our pants.
- Migraines. This walk should be held in the dark and in total silence. That shouldn’t be so difficult, should it?
- Insomnia. To guarantee maximum participation, begin the walk at 3:30 AM. Otherwise, plan and proceed as usual.
I was just at the grocery store and saw a woman sporting a T-shirt indicating she walked for kidneys. If kidneys can drum up a walk for their Cure, why can’t my hemorrhoids? And yours, too, of course.
Okay. Sure. We’ll walk for your hemorrhoids, Lorna. But we need someone to walk for us first. Hey, we have the same problem you do! Bummer.
You go girl. All excellent causes. Rock on.
Thanks! Just did the Heart Walk again this morning!
I love this, Lorna. Can relate to about half of them. How about one for the agoraphobic? Wouldn’t even need to reserve a walking route.
Good one! Just stay inside your own home and pace!
If you ever want to set up something to raise money for anyone of these, I own a theater in Holbrook NY. I also have a foundation called “Laughter is the cure” We are always raising money. Mostly for MS and Cancer. But I am a huge supporter of causes!
I wonder if they do a walk to cure amputees missing legs, would that just be ironic?
Yes, that would be ironic. Hey, thank so dropping by and commenting. I really appreciate it and I will keep you in mind! Where is Holbrook? I live in New York, too.
Of course, and our building is off Lincoln Ave and 454 right next to the MacArthur airport. http://www.BBRProductions.com :^)
Neat. So you are located in NYC. I live in that part of the state way up north near the Canadian border.
Oh, I’ve been around the up state area. We are actually on Long Island. Though, the city is fun.
It’s amazing how big and diverse this state is.
I agree, I’ve still not seen the whole state, let alone all that NYC has to offer. It just means I can continue on my adventure without having to say I am bored and “Done that”. :^)
SO true!
Finally, a spokesperson for the dreaded H-word syndrome! It’s about time somebody grabbed this terrible affliction by the seat of the pants. And anyone who won’t admit to having suffered this at one time or another is just a perfect asshole.
And we know how impossible perfection is to achieve, so this is a condition that is woefully under-reported. I think we need some of those bands for The Roid Cure, don’t you?
Can we have a walk for muffin-middle syndrome? (Also known as over the belt flab.) The best thing about this walk would be that besides raising money, it would also serve as the cure. Two benefits for the price of one. If only we could get the muffin-middles out there walking. I gotta go now, out on a walk….
Great idea! But I wonder if some people would misread the signs and come expecting muffins, only to be disappointed. It happens, you know!
Oh, I could create a few more walks based on my health history but you’ve covered quite a few in your usual humorous/really voice.
I bet lots of people could add to list!
There is nothing like a wicked scream Lorna
Have a lovely weekend and
and you have provided the giggles on this one
my great friend
keep posting these hilarious gems
Andro xxx
Thanks for visiting, Andro. Glad you have fun over here!
Yes I certainly do and I will keep
calling in for some more, you always
add such wickedly enjoyable posts
Have a very nice
rest of weekend Lorna
Andro xxx
Never trust a parrot. You’re a scream x
Hey. I meant it–these are wise words from someone who knows…
You’re doing great things but dare I say Buddha wouldn’t be all that pleased with the what-about-me-I-got-problems-too attitude? No, he wouldn’t. In that case, I could use a walk to raise some cash for a weekly massage and a walk for a cure to stop losing my glasses. So, stop thinking about yourself, Lorna and think about me.
Hey, I’m just practicing some loving kindness towards myself. Nothing wrong with that!
Fun – Fun – Funny .. only u\you, Lorna, can look at illenesses and find a humorous way to write about them. I had a great laugh.
Have a Happy Weekend …!!!
Iizzy
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Izzy. Phil and I were laughing about this idea after the Alzheimer’s walk, when I was “tending” to my hemorrhoids. He said, “I feel a blog coming on.”
hahaha …
Being in rude health, Lorna, I am cranking up, as best I can, some lame response. Maybe you and I and your other blogging friends could limp along together, led by (our) amicable Phil who, the other day, proclaimed himself the one-eyed leader among the blind. Can’t say I took very kindly to his suggestion; not least because if there is one thing that worries the hell out of me it’s losing my eyesight. Anyway, I was hoping he had two eyes. If only to lend me one should the worst come to the worst.
Yes, so we could all hold hands so none of us gets lost in the wilderness. Since I always volunteer for the shit jobs in any gathering I will carry your various lotions, potions and potties. And toilet paper. At pit stops I’ll give you an Indian head massage to keep the Buddha in you in good humour.
Mind you, Lorna, who would sponsor a walk so pathetic I do not know. Maybe you could write yourself a cheque to save us the bother, and we’ll have a picnic instead.
U
And what a picnic it would be, U! All those tired, gassy, people limping and digging at their “bottoms.” Imagine the tug-of-war contest!
Aw, there’s a photo of Reggie…yeah, maybe he was behind that un-Godly timing for the SPCA’s walk…he would have loved it!
This made me chuckle!
Yes, he would have loved it. He would even have walked along with me. That bird loved to walk!
There you go making me laugh again! It’s still too hot here to do a lot of walking outside but maybe next month… Then again, maybe not.
Hahaha. Thanks for the smile.
See, this is what I love about you Lorna – you are always thinking about equal opportunities for all those lesser publicized causes, and come to think about it, more prevalent health issues affecting far more folks as well. Yes, where are the walks for ADD? Oh that’s right, no one ever finishes those, and the local police resources are exhausted as they try to locate and account for all the walkers by sunset. But still…
I think you’re missing a trick here Lorna. How about some kind of virtual walk on the internet? I’ll leave it with you…
Twice I did a 20 mile sponsored walk for meningitis research. I haven’t got any jokes about it, I’m just letting you know that I’m no slacker when it comes to walking for a cause!
OK, I’m going to take this one personally, Lorna. I HAVE IBD and it stinks. Literally and figuratively. But there is no way I can do the run — when I sink so low that I will use portapoties I will go in head first!
Yes, I know the feeling.
Well, we’ll have more fun together, anyway!
Oh my-o-my what a lot of walks to organize in my life… the walk for “excessive perspiration” wanted to say sweat but wasn’t sure how to spell it, yet knew how to spell perspiration… something wrong with that scenario, maybe should organize a walk for spelling, or is it old age maybe dementia… oh no let me go and lie down before this urge to walk gets me up and about, ten minutes on the bed and the feeling should pass… let the sufferers walk for their own causes.. I’ll post a cheque…
If I listed all my “issues” I’d be walking every day. Wait! I do walk every day. Imagine a walk for the excessively compulsive blogger… a lot of no-shows, but lots of posts about it!