What Was I Thinking? (Part 1)
Okay, so it wasn’t as bad as this. But almost…
Have you ever been in a conversation like this?
Supposed Friend: “Hey, I’m doing this thing and I really think you should do it, too.”
You: “Oh, do you really think I could do it?”
Supposed Friend: “Absolutely! I’ve done it loads of times and it’s so much fun. I know you can do it and you’ll love it.”
You: “Well, I’ve never done anything like this before. Are you sure I’m ready? I mean, look at you…and look at me…”
Supposed Friend: “Have some faith, if I can do you, you can do it.”
You: “Well, okay. I guess I could give it a try.”
Supposed Friend: “Yes! That’s the spirit!”
And that’s how I came to enter my first and last triathlon.
What? You, Lorna? That sounds like something wonk-a-donk I would do, but not you.
There are a few facts I need to divulge before I tell you the story.
- I am not a natural athlete. That was an understatement. I have a body and a constitution built for stationary activities. If reading or blogging were sports, I could wear a jersey, engage in pre-reading/writing rituals based on superstitions (wearing lucky glasses or hitting my head with my laptop 3 times), and subject myself to random blood tests to rule out performance-enhancing substances. Walking Scrappy, breaking out into song and dance (a la cast of Glee), and going to Yoga and Pilates classes don’t make me an athlete. They make me a middle-aged woman totally unconcerned with public ridicule and someone trying not to physically disintegrate.
I’m no fool. Knowing this Yoga move will come in very handy when my lift-chair malfunctions (you know it will) and launches me like the Space Shuttle.
- I did the triathlon 12 years ago, which makes me a younger fool at the time of the race. I was also a healthier fool. The Chronic Fatigue hadn’t hit me yet and I was jogging an average of 4 miles about 5 times a week. But I was bigger-boned back then, weighing about 25 pounds more than I do now because A) I had more bones during my 40s or B) when I got sick and went on my immune-boosting, delicious-food-elimination diet, I lost some bones or my bones shrunk. So while I had the advantage of not being dizzy and fatigued, I was hauling more of me around.
I don’t understand why. There was so much more of me to see. Now they have to look harder to find me.
- The triathlon was a mini version of a grueling real triathlon that are all the rage these days. People actually line up to pay for the privilege to swim about 1 mile, bike about 25 miles, and run a mere 10 miles. That’s all in one day. The local YMCA sponsored the triathlon that I entered; they called it the “Y-Tri,” an apt name when it came to me. There was a nominal entry fee that I’m sure went to a good cause–probably purchasing new resuscitation equipment for amateur sporting events–so I paid for the privilege of swimming a quarter of a mile (in a pool), biking 10 miles, and running 3 miles. In the same day.
Hey, where’s all that fancy equipment I helped pay for with my $10 entry fee? And you gals look a little too eager with this poor woman and she’s not even an athlete. What gives, Sisters of Mercy and Pleasure?
What was I thinking? Why did I think I could start, let alone finish, a triathlon, no matter how mini?
- It was the dawn of a new millennium, the Age of Aquarius. “Traditionally, Aquarius is associated with electricity, computers, flight, democracy, freedom, humanitarianism, idealists, modernization, astrology, nervous disorders, rebellion, nonconformity, philanthropy, truth, perseverance, humanity, and irresolution (hesitancy or weakness).” (Wikipedia) Perfect! I was just part of the general moodiness that was sweeping humankind.
- I was in my mid-40s and feeling old. My husband ignored me. My son didn’t need me. I was lonely and felt invisible. Maybe accomplishing a physical feat I never wanted to accomplish would get someone in my life to notice me. Perhaps I would notice me, which would be a good start.
- Supposed Friend was very convincing. She knew me and which buttons to push to transform me from Hesitant Lorna into Hopeful Lorna. She never got acquainted with Hoopty-Lame-Pants Lorna until the race…
Stay tuned to find out about my one and only attempt at triatheleticism.
She’s doing it again. She’s making us wait for another one of her outlandish but true stories. At least when I interact with you, it’s over quickly.
hahaha … I’ve done things like that only to regret them. I always feel like I can do anything until I start. I feel badly when I am taking the person I convinced could do it. I keep forgetting that I was a dancer … so … what is easy to me isn’t to someone else. You bring this all to light in your usual tongue-in-check way. Fun … and … Funny ..!!!!
So you could have been Supposed Friend? Izzy…
YUP – sadly, I must admit my past wicked ways.
lolol
I hear you…My whole blog is about admitting my past wicked ways.
Love it… must thank Suzanne for the intro…
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I live a zany life and I’m not afraid to admit it! 
Lame pants Lorna…….Sorry…this description just does not work for me…..You my dear are many things…but Lame pants?….no,no,NO!
Only as it relates to triathlon racing, my friend…
That dog is just too good. Love the “Supposed Friend” !
Yeah, I laugh out loud when I saw that picture. Who would do that to a dog?!
I knew it–you’re far braver than I.
In the summer of 1989, my college sponsored a run/walk of various lengths for United Way, I think it was. I’d finally been released by my orthopedic and neuro surgeons as “healthy,” after recovering from my back reconstruction, 4 months in a body cast, and relearning to walk. My friends conned me into being on their team to walk a mile as an incentive to get me once again back into shape.
Well, I did it but don’t know how. Never tried it since. But that’s the closest I ever want to get to anything like that. Now we’re both smarter…
I guess some of us have to learn by making our own trouble rather than learning from others…
I’m glad you came out of it still walking. You’ll be interested in my unfortunate experience as the series unfolds…
Love the yoga pic. Made me laugh.
Glad you liked it. I always like to know I made someone laugh!
” I have a body and a constitution built for stationary activities.”. That line will live with me for the rest of the day. As the memory of the Olympics fades from these shores your homesty about your physical prowess remains in my thoughts and brings a lovely chuckle to my face. Now where are those doughnuts
Glad I gave you something humorous to chew on for the day. Oh, and enjoy those doughnuts!
That’s the difference between Americans, everyone else and me. To talk me into something would take an awful lot of talking. Neither would it work. I do want I want to do. Basta. And what I don’t want to do I sometimes have to but don’t expect gratitude or an anecdote out of it.
I sense your next installment will be painful.
U
Oh, it will be–I hope to have you laughing until it hurts…
I was totally expecting you to say that the bear ate Supposed Friend. And I was gonna root for the bear.
No, Supposed Friend is still running races. Her joints are going to give out one of these days…
I feel a comedy coming on. And you know, that weight you were carrying back then is what young folk call “juicy” now. Don’t you just love language?
“Juicy?” Well, I did feel over-ripe…
Yeah, I’m preparing to run the Colfax Marathon next year. A bit of background, I’m totally out of shape, it’s 26.2 miles and yes, I’m serious.
May there be wings on your heels–better wings than were on mine! You go, Girl! Keep reading my story. Maybe you’ll learn some tips about what NOT to do!
Seems I remember some such story from you telling of how you expended some type of physical activity and it ended very badly…am I making this up or am I remembering correctly? So badly, like your nervous system shorted out or something… I’m feeling very nervous for how this may have ended up for you…
Hmmm. I know I haven’t told this story yet. But I did have a bad experience with a Zumba class. I might have told that story. Or was it the Pilates class, or the monkey bars… I have so many physical disaster stories.
And I did those series of posts about how I almost died a bunch of times…
It was the Zumba class…it’s all coming back now! Oh, gosh…and now you’re trying a triathlon…
No. This is a story from 12 years ago. Now a days my idea of a triathlon is getting up, walking Scrappy, and taking a shower!
Whew…sorry Lorna. I was so alarmed that I missed the “12 years ago” part!
Yeah, that was an important detail. I don’t want you thinking I’m a nut-case NOW or anything!
Love you girl.
Back at you!
Sounds like pure masochism to me.
You hit the nail on the head. It was!
Will you be posting your triathlon experience in three parts? I feel as though you’ve just jumped into the water, swimming the first leg of the race, now in the changing area to slip into your biker-pants. What I want to know is this: Exactly how much cajoling and prodding did it take to get you to buy into the idea? I’ve toyed with it many times, but never so seriously as to fill out the application forms. I’ll live my probable experience through you! Can’t wait to read all about this!
Unfortunately (for me) I was “in” fairly quickly. Except for the swim (I’m not a great swimmer), none of the legs sounded very difficult to me and I had about 4 months to train.
The series will at least be done in two more segments. I’m committed to making my posts shorter then they have been just to be kinder to my readers.
Phil, you should do it. Just to say you did. That’s mostly why I did it, even though I never wanted to run a race…
Do you know the comedienne Sandy Toksvig? I don’t know if she’s known over there, probably not, she does very British humour. Anyway, your post here reminded me of her, she was on the radio a couple of weeks ago talking about the Olympics and she said “Would you believe, the Olympics has even inspired me to take up athletics, yes, my personal best in the 100 meters is 50 meters”. Hehe.
That’s quite the compliment! Thanks! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the rest of this series. It’s a hoot! And all of it is true!
I feel like I’ve been in a triathlon reading this, i.e., the the 3-minute snicker, the 5-minute laugh, and the 10-minute guffaw.
Wow, your abs got a real work out!