I’m Totally Cat Woman…In An Awesome, Not Creepy, Way (Part 1)
Even though I’m a self-proclaimed dog-lover, I recently (and by “recently,” I mean last night when I couldn’t sleep) figured out that I’m an Awesarific Cat Woman–like in the Batman films, not like in those weird stories you read about in the newspaper involving an old woman’s dead body, 103 cats, Animal Control Officers, and neighbors who knew something must be wrong.
If you’re like most people, I’m going to have to convince you that I’m telling you the truth as I see it, because you won’t just accept my me-wow for it (that means “word” in Awesalicious Cat Woman parlance) since you’re probably not like Awesomesaurus Cat Woman Me and can’t sense that I’m purrfectly right. I feel for you. I really do.
Evidence that I’m Awesome Cat Woman:
- Michelle Pfeiffer and I could be twins, except she would need to do something to enhance her bosom area.
- I like tall, dark, enigmatic men who appreciate leather women’s garments, have more than social justice on the brain, and live in caves. (Don’t get me wrong. I’m a Cat Women’s Liber–a Felinist, if you will. I just like my men virile and my domicile dark.)
- I have escaped death more than nine times…so far. They say a cat has nine lives. They are rarely wrong. I must be one super special Awesome-Squared Cat Woman. I must also be very careful from now on. I’m already living on borrowed time.
I’m sure you’re wondering about my many tangos with the Grim Reaper. I was
flabbergasted… horndoggled… astounded…a bit shaken when I started counting up all the times that I could have easily had my physical assets liquidated permanently. But I must have some phenomenizzle super powers to evade the grip of death not once or twice, but so many freaking times.
I got to thinking about these near misses with death when Alex, my 26-year-old son, came for a short visit. We began reminiscing about “the old days” and he brought up a few of these almost-for-me-disasters. Good times.
I bet you want to know all about my near-death experiences. Do I know you people, or what? I’ve already told you about a few of them.
Lorna’s Impressive List of Near-Death Experiences, Part 1
Circa Young, Chubby, and Stupid: I hung upside-down from monkey bars that were planted in cement. Being physically and common sense challenged, I hung there long enough to let sweat pool behind my knees, which were the things keeping my head from the cement 6-7′ below. I fell, knocking the wind out of me because I landed on my fleshy back, not my noggin. But I could have landed on my head, knocking the brains out of me, or at least snapping my neck, which would have been, at the very least, inconvenient. I wrote a whole series on this episode called Monkey Business.
Circa Early Fifties, Slender, and Wiser but not Wise Enough: I was walking my dog Scrappy when a fast-moving and violent thunder-storm came upon us. Before I could take cover, a tree about 20′ away from me was directly hit by lightning. Because the rain was coming down so hard, the electric current traveled into the rain-soaked air and, thus, into me. The technical term for the kind of lightning that hit me is “side splash” lightning.” I wrote about this event in a series entitled, I’m Really One in a Million.
That’s two. Sorry, but you’ll have to wait to hear about the rest of my near death experiences until my next post.
Teaser Alert: Be prepared for more surprises from nature, motor vehicle miracles, beasts, and men with guns.